this exp hor, die die also must jot down.
I PASSED MY TP LOR! LOR! LOR!

warm up session at 2.20pm.
waited for my car 131 for SO long.
started my warming up session with a very friendly instructor mr lu.
he calm me down alot sia! thank you!
went thru all courses and went one test route.
came back. and waited at the waiting room for test.

damn nervous can? my name was called soon.
went downstairs with the tester uncle for car.
but dunno is too kan chiong or what. CAR CANNOT START.
omg die. minus points already. T.T

okok, relax. drove into the circuit.
did all the courses with ease! YAY! perfect!
my two parking weak points also swee!
never test e-brake. straight went out to the road.

got test route 10. one of the easiest. heng!
drove straight out to bb straight road.
did a u turn. some lane changes which were my weak points.
and damn! i did one very wide right turn! ARGH!
minus points again! and lastly went back to circuit.

went up with him to the results room.
thinking sua lah. i will fail this time. so many points kena deduct.
ended up he told me my mistake in the right turn.
some abrupt lane changes and pass me my result slip.
TELLING ME GO DOWNSTAIRS WATCH GRADUATION VIDEO!

MAD HAPPY CAN I TELL YOU!
I PASSED AT FIRST TRY! my class 3A!
even more lucky then kena 4D and toto!

for this few months. i sincerely thanks all the instructors that taught me before.
and esp the following,
MR GAN! MR SIM! MR LIM AND STUPID LESLIE!
THANK YOU BBDC! THANK YOU ALL! ^^

the critical time for my first step is so near.
im so afraid. afraid cos this time im facing all this alone.
issit cos im being too comfy in my comfort zone for too long?

motivation. i need motivation.
i keep climbing and climbing. hoping one day i'll be near.
im afraid of heights. afraid of failure. afraid of so many things.
but motivation is there. MUST DO IT.

i keep climbing. keep challenge myself.
must climb faster and higher this time.
one day im able to reach for you.
i know when i reach the top i may find out that alls a dream.
but i just dont wanna give up.
at least you can see my efforts will you?
you see me change do you?

i really cant afford to lose. i can fail but i cant lose.
this is my last chance to myself too.
i know everyone sees RF as say only wont do.
so pls let me have this last chance to be a different me.
let me prove to myself too.

im afraid of heights. i may climb slow.
i dunno how many times i will fall back to the starting point.
but pls continue to see. let me prove to you.
that i really have the determination to change.

went to sign the letter of offer aka agreement today.
when my name was signed on it, i asked myself.
have i totally decided to let everything go?

it means a brand new start for me.
everything seems so attractive. but it just doesn't seems to attract me.
my mind is still best best best.
remembered the small but cosy it store.
the always full house pantry.
and the staff canteen.

i asked myself again. best couldn't be so difficult to forget right?
then i realize it's our 1 year memories there that i can't forget.
and of course you.

trying my very best to divert all my attention away from you.
hope this job makes a good start.
i'm glad you talked to me recently. it really makes me feel so much better.
after tp end will be a brand new start. for you and for me.

issit suppose to be a good thing? i hope so.
cos for now my current motivation is still you.
let me prove my best out for you, me and all alright?
JY RF. JY.

car accident at BBDC.
first and the last. damn.
confidence and moral all gone.
how to go for the TP next week?

i DID step on the brake. but the car keep on rolling!!
if you said i step on wrong pedal, you think the car infront wont kena bang till move?
when the car don't stop rolling i panic.
WHY I NEVER THINK OF PULLING THE HANDBRAKE??
let it roll and panic then so last min i release the brake. and BANG. you got it.
both cars bumper, boot and bonet all dented.
OMFG. my mind was in a whole blank.
i thought im going to get injured or something when the crash came.

wah F. so guilty towards the instructor. today gan mc he took over.
i fix instructor and group also kena him.
as he said, this kind of things cant siam means cant siam.
i feel so sorry. he's such a good instructor.
hope he dont kena too jia lat jia lat.

shag. damn shag now.
haiish..........

we both cried today. but trust me what i said is all 真心话..
i understand there's some reasons that we're not able to be together anymore.
i accepted that. cos i believe im the main cause of it. i never blame u at all.

i swear i won't get into another relationship anymore.
it's too hurtful. i know i kept giving u empty promises.
it's okay. i need time. time for me to change.
if i can do it. please allow me to be your friend still.
if not im too ashamed to face u too.

为什么你那么难忘记?
你是要永远都住在我心里吗?
just stay there quietly can? don't stir my emotions anymore.
you're the best yet worst relationship i ever had.
and trust me. this is the last one i'll go for.

是时候放手了。两个月前的今天，你给了我最后一次机会。很可惜的，我不懂得珍惜。我错过了。我失去了。你再也不会回来了。

今天，我决定把你从我的心里送走。很痛。真的很痛。我就好像把你一片片的从我心里割出来。我忍着痛，流着泪，闭上眼，不得已的跟你道别。

我曾经最爱的建龙，祝幸福，快乐。

dear jianlong,

today i screwed up. i purposely scolded you and your mom. i purposely want to make you leave me. as a friend. i said i want you as a friend. but i know it's not at this point of time. i deleted all regarding you and your contacts. i promised i won't go to your fb or twitter anymore. ask yourself. do you really think i'm this kind of person that scold you and your family? NO! I JUST WANT YOU TO TOTALLY GIVE UP ON ME! but please continue to think i'm this kind of person ok? think that your ex is such an idiot ok? it will make you feel better.

i know i scolded till very cannot listen. i told you i have someone else in my mind already. i thought when i lie to you i'll feel better. at least i can don't cling on your for a while. i want to make use of this time to change everything. including my future. after then which i will HAVE THE FACE to contact you again. even if we're strangers the next time we meet. even if you hate me. it's okay.

my heart hurts. but i have to be brave. i'm sorry i said till so 狠 and  绝 . this kind of stuffs really cannot drag anymore. the more i hold on to you the more upset i will have cause you. i want the best for you. i want your life to be better than mine. sorry. forgive me. even if we might not have the chance to meet forever. i'm glad. cos i FINALLY PUSHED YOU AWAY. YOU WILL HAVE A BETTER LIFE NOW!

很痛. but i have to learn to live my life without you. cos this is what you want. love does not mean to have that person all by yourself. it means giving the person a better life even if it's without you. if this is what the other party wants. I MUST BEAR MY TEARS. but why does it keep flowing down? 忍! 忍! 忍!

i hope you don't see this post forever.
对不起. 我爱你. 却不配拥有你.
you deserve someone better.
祝你幸福................................................

让我自己一个人承担就好 ok?
毕竟我始终是做错了............

dear jianlong,

i'm sorry. i really dont know what have i done. i dont regret. it only hurts when you asked me the question. it was ridiculous yet pierce my heart. i know you want me to have a motivation. you want me to stand up by myself. you keep saying no to my requests. you mean me well. but do you know it's tough? really tough?

i thought i could forget all by tonight. if i drink myself silly. all is enough. but the more i drink the more your image comes into my mind. hurts. really hurts. im thankful that you called me just now. so i finally know. you just want me to get lost of your life. mia all i want right? you want a life without me totally.

it hurts. but i will try my very best. you don't have to tell me to get lost anymore. i've solve everything by myself. no matter the future is full of obstacles or humps. i will get across them one by one. BY MYSELF. if this is what you want. i don't want you to be upset anymore. i'll leave. i hope one day i'll be back.

back as a new rf. or should i say an old rf. the rf whom is in partly in charge of the IT counter. work is all her life. sales and money are her motivation. promoters and staffs are all her energy boost. bro asked me to get a job and work as hard as i could. give me some time. when i'm back. i'll make sure you won't regret me this friend.

i only want to remain friends...
a friend whom you can be proud of..
a friend whom you don't have to worry about..
prove you wrong soon...

等我..
give me one more chance to change?

dear jianlong,

it's been one whole month without you. my life really chui. i really miss you a lot. is there no hope for patch? i really don't know what have i done? keep asking for a good guy. ended up i pushed the good guy away myself. regret? so? why can't i regret earlier? everything is already a 定局 now. i have nobody to blame.

really can't get out of this relationship. I'll get nightmare every time. nightmares of you leaving me the next moment. when can i wake up from this? this dream ended. was suppose to be an ever lasting dream. ended up i make it into a never lasting dream.

if only there's this one last chance for me..
if only...
i'm sorry i hurt you..
nothing matters now..
i only want you to be happy..

please find a better girl than me..
I'm not worth your tears...

you will always be in a part of my heart..
always..
forever..

dear Jianlong,

7:30am in the morning now. I still can't sleep. chiong dramas and drink daily. making sure I'm not sober daily. if not my pain increases. I really wonder when can I wake up from all these?

today went to watch movie. bought couple seat. people around me thought I'm too rich or siao. actually im just trying to find back the familiar feeling. at least that make me feel better. at least I can imagine you're beside me hugging me. I still can imagine all these till the cinema lights turn on right?

trying my best to message you lesser. but do you know I type a lot of wa to you. just that I don't dare to send them out. instead I print screen and let whatever I wanna tell you become pictures of memories. afraid you will block me if I wa you too much. cos thru wa I still can see your active time. I still can feel you are close to me.

you are still close to me right? just let me imagine a little while jiu hao ler.

dear jianlong,

finally after so many days of waiting. you called me at near 12mn. talked about 30 mins. i told myself rf don't cry when you hear his voice ok. ended up when i started talking and you started telling me stuffs. i cried again. bah! super crybaby right? i can hear you are living well without me now. enjoying your life.

i can't blame anyone except myself for this broken relationship. sometimes when things are meant to be simple. keep it simple. i don't understand why must i complicate things up? ended up i suffer. if only things never happen. if only i know how to think. i know, kinda useless to talk about all these and if only stuffs now. but i know I'll feel better if i type all these nonsense out. at least it's a good life experience for me.

when the chance is there. grab it! why must i always shove it away and end up regretting in the future? makes no sense right? I'm the one who made the choice myself. but do you know sometimes your brain and heart don't think the same thing? they don't move at the same rate. mine is always slow. then when I know how to think? too late already! all of you don't believe me at all. none of you.

this will be my 遗憾. you will always be my 遗憾. this kind of things nobody can help me at all. not even you. 错到不能再错了才想要回头 太迟了吧? people around me had already leave me one by one. leaving me by myself all alone again. when someone reach for my hand and wanted to help me stand. i pushed them all away. so why do i deserve the help from you people now?

RF STAND UP BY YOURSELF.
DON'T BE AN IDIOT.
YOU FELL AND YOU DESERVE IT.
NOBODY WILL PITY YOU.
DON'T STAND? CAN!
LET PEOPLE CONTINUE LAUGHING.
YOU'RE A FAILURE FROM HEARD TO TOE.

dear jianlong,

the 22nd day. i cried for 22 days. tears still coming out and say hi to me every night. yesterday 4am darling sister called me. was asked to take a step forward to make some changes in life. i don't dare. it's not because i'm afraid of changes. it's because if i change, you will be sure forgotten. i don't want to forget you. i can't bring myself to forget you. you told me you will stop replying if i still continue to contact you. so that im able to forget you. let me tell you. whoever that says time heals is all bullshits. if you don't want to forget, no matter how much times doesn't helps.

i'm controlling myself so hard today. manged not to contact you for a day. but i feel so terrible in my heart. i hate myself. the once perfect relationship why must i ruin it myself? to think i tell people and you that i treasured it. pui! all bullshits. if i know how to treasure you won't be gone now. why does humans regret when you lost it?

among all the relationships you are the one who i love most. yet hurt most. but do you know hurting you hurts me too? sometimes there's really no choice in life. you have to do it. even if you know it hurts you. i'm sorry for making you leave the company. but i don't regret what i did. i'm sure you will feel more worse if you're still there.

people around me trying to cheer me up. comfort me. but all this doesn't help. i know you really hate to talk to me again. but do you know how much i pin for your calls daily? just a short talk asking me how am i will do. but why is it mission impossible? i really hope to hear you telling me to jiayou. i miss your encouragement. why must i push you away when you're there for me? how much my heart hurts now.

just let me continue life this way.
继续沦落下去
at least i feel better.....

dear jianlong,

just spent a few hours reading my fb timeline archives. there's so many of our memories inside. including our 暧昧 period. u would accompany me almost every mon. hence then's when people around us started to talk about us. about me and mei snatching the same guy. i rmb ken di siao us most. i poured alot of my feelings to him also. including how i still have feelings for J yet started to feel weird for u etc. we always smoke and talk about it. he told me 是你的就是你的.. yes 最后是我的了 but i dunno how to treasure and let u slip away.

when we got together, u did more and more for me. buying me stuffs i like. bringing me to places where i never go or go eat before. bring me to the doctor even when it's your off days. and the most 伟大 thing. covering almost all my shifts for me. u were so shag yet did not complain. yet i dunno how to 感激. and always made those unreasonable requests or comments. i'm sorry. i'm such an as*hole girlfriend. i'm sorry 你辛苦了. for tahan me so long. 我知道人也是有忍耐限度的. i guess that's when your feelings for me started to fade.

i don't even know i have 狂躁病 until the doctor told me today. i will keep going for counseling and all. i want to make myself well asap. i need to get a job fast. i need to stop let people around me worry about me. i won' t use those childish acts to make u pity me and come back. instead i will use my hard work and 真心 to try and win u back. i will let u see i really have change for the better. 陈建龙 我要再追求你一次! 等我! please don't forget the 五只seahorses.

为了自己!! 为了身边的人更好!! 加油 陈溶芳!!!

dear jianlong,

so many days ler. i haven brace myself up. my messages to u are getting lesser. maybe it's because i've shifted u into a side of my heart. i know i should not spend time and effort hoping u will come back. but it's really not easy to let go of someone who is with me everyday suddenly. memories keep flowing back in me. we had too much memories together. how i wish to print screen them from my mind and save them to my pc.

i remembered watching perfect match last time. i was filled with jealousy. but now when i re watched it. i was filled with pain. i know u are happier without me and i should let u go. but why must either one of us suffer in the relationship or aftermaths? if only there's a block and delete function in me. i did and really tired forgetting u. but i keep failing. u will come back to my mind no matter what.

u asked me what is important in my life? can i say it's u? sorry, i forgot. there's no more chances left. all were used up by me myself and i. i couldn't blame anyone. tried to shift my attention to my ex instead. but u know what? the feeling is so different that i wonder do i even like them last time? why the feelings towards u and them are so different? well, ended up this idea failed. and i lost another friend.

my friends left me one by one. my parents gave up hope on me. even my doctor was left speechless. all he did was to tell me to relax. hey! i'm relaxing! i only want to brace up now. do u understand? i feel myself a disgrace to everyone around me. my childhood was bad enough. now adult is not any better. i envy people with good life. i really don't know what i can do. the motivation is just now there anymore.


help me to brace up.
i can't fall again.
i need you.

dear jianlong,

i'm sorry i broke my promise. i blogged to you again. these few days were slightly better. daytime keep praying to god and telling them i wanna be a better person. but when night comes, my tears very funny one, dropped automatically one. the clothes u left at my house still have your smell. i remembered hugging you and with this familiar smell then i can sleep well. but now i don't dare. what if i keep exposing it to air later your smell gone? 好温暖的味道.. mummy wants to throw. i secretly kept them.

我真的好想你.. 怎么办?? i want to forget you too. i tried. i really tired my best. but you still came back. both mind and heart. a guy who is almost with me daily for 1 year. it's really not easy to forget. i keep praying. pray that you will at least give me a message or call. this evening i finally saw you online at wa. you told me. we don't have anything to talk to each other already. you don't have time to entertain me. my heart pain. pain! pain! pain! why did you become so 陌生?

mummy saw me praying and asked me why am i so 痴情 this time. i couldn't answer her. you are not my longest relationship. i don't totally depend on you too. i think i must be possessed. or you must be the best. or i really must have put in a lot of efforts and feelings for you. my other ex tried to change me. i simply just told them to f off. but for you. i did tried. but i keep failing. i don't know why the more i fear and wanted to do better the more i'll fail. and yes i'm sorry for those harsh words. they made you leave me.

i asked myself how long do i need to nurse my wounds?
dear i'm sorry. i know you don't want me to apologize anymore. but i need to do it. at least they made me feel a little better. i'll write a million sorry. i hope by then i can forget you and you won't so 讨厌 me already.

dear jianlong,

when this post is scheduled out. guess I'm gone. I'm sorry for making this sudden decision. I have no choice left. I already know my days are dead when u left me. that's why I keep on holding on to u.

I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help lah. the hurt is there. no way can I bring things back. I know u already forgave me. but the thing is I can't forgive myself. what have I done to u? the guy I love most? I hurt him!

I know even a million sorry won't bring us back. we are impossible. and I hate myself for that. I made the guy who loves me from disappointed to totally gave up.

I know I don't know how to treasure the chances given. I told u before. 3 chances max. yet I don't know how to make use of it. in fact making each time more worse.

I know whatever I said now is useless. unless I can turn back time and redo all. u think what? I have doraemon time machine? that's why I give up too. if holding on makes u so tong ku, I rather give up. u are the man I love. yet why did I do all those to make u so upset? I blame myself. I hate myself. but? so? sorry no cure lah!

what do I deserve to say I love u when I did so much to hurt u and your love ones? but please allow me to love u silently. I'll just place u in a part of my heart. when I'm back I hope I have the courage to say I love u Jianlong. please wait for me.

dear jianlong,

i will make this the last post dedicated to u. when this ends, my memories with u will end. we will be strangers. since this is what u wish for. i will do it. i know i don't deserve to say i love u. others may think u are at fault in this relationship but i knew it myself. i'm the one who ruined it. u already gave me too many chances yet i took them for granted. thinking u will not leave me at all. living and thinking only for myself. never once did i care about u and your feelings. it's time i woke up from my dreams.

nevertheless i want to thank you for this wonderful 1 year plus. from the time we are friends till couple till we are not again.

thank you for giving me this happiness that i did not experience before.
thank you for the times when we are in best when u are always 随传随到.
thank you for accompanying me every monday when nobody is willing to.
thank you for the care and concern when i was drowning myself in beer every night.
thank you for accompanying me to drink. i'm sorry i made your stomach bigger.
thank you for giving in to me when u are staff. and for tolerating my 无理取闹.
thank you for satisfying my cravings and bringing me to eat. (xin wang, rochor beancurd, paragon ramen, ding tai feng.)
thank you for bringing me to places where i never had the chance to go before. (marina barrage, night safari, sheesha at haji lane.)
thank you for letting me watch the most wonderful fireworks in uss sentosa.
thank you for hugging me and coaxing me to sleep when i have insomnia.
thank you for those movies u watched with me. (i know u do not enjoy some yet give in.)
thank you for those lovely genting memories u gave me.
thank you for teasing me. to let me know how silly and stupid i am and somehow loved.
thank you for always bringing me this sick cat to the doctor.
thank you for staying by my side when i fall when im out of job.
thank you for your encouragement when i took up driving lessons.
thank you for your love, time and kind understanding always.

allow me to call u dear for the last time.

dear dear,
我会活得好好的. 用你曾经给我的力量过着.
我会把我对你的爱埋在心底.
永远只记得你的好.
勇敢的往前走，永远都不往后看.
对不起，我用错误的方式爱你.
现在，我希望你永远都过得比我好.
把我忘了，我不值得你心痛.
再见，再也不见.

陈建龙 31/7/11 - 31/5/12

dear jianlong,

we broke off for 9 days already. i have not stop crying. i thought i can be well alone. i thought it's ok if i cant speak properly. slowly it will heal. who cares if it's stroke or nerve or whatever it is. i thought i can get a job and work well. prove to u that i really have the heart to change. but seems my nightmare have not ended.

do u know hearing your voice keeps me in good mood whole day? at least i know u will still be there for me. i know i must not depend on u anymore. soon u will not be there for me. but i cant help it. i'm so used not to being alone. i really don't know what to do now. why are u not there to help me this time?

every time i fell u will catch me. this time i landed hard on the floor. dear 很痛. pain till i cant stop crying. i know i cant cry anymore. but useless leh. i think i'm boned a crybaby. the surrounding around me is so fun and lively now. beer fest leh. should be happy feasting on beer de mah. but the beer i'm drinking now is so salty. must be my tears. haha. people happily drinking i crying sia. spoil mood. luckily i came alone. if not my friends sure pai seh.

this afternoon i went pc show. saw quite alot of our old friends. but i don't dare to go up and greet them. i'm such a failure. i remembered 3 months ago in march u hold my hand and we went it show together. really people mountain people sea. i'm not afraid to be lost last time. but today? i walk until blur, walk until dizzy. i took out my phone wanted to dial your number. only to realized you are not here with me anymore.

i.must.make.it.a.habit.to.be.alone.

dear Jianlong,

today is the 1st week without you. I just started to calm down today.
I opened up the folder which shared our memories. I can't lie. I miss you.
I love the photos a lot. maybe because we seldom take pictures. ESP the one u took at genting. machiam lovey couple on honeymoon. it was my most happiest moment of my life. my wish came true. I went on a holiday with my boy.

this whole week my mind is all about u. wanted to go to all the places u brought me to before. yet u know I'm a road idiot. what if I lost my way? cannot be like last time can call u for directions already. now it's only me alone. I keep on rephrasing to myself u are not with me anymore. but somehow I keep forgetting.

just now went to watch madagascar 3. i remembered u was so delighted upon seeing the poster at gv yishun two weeks ago when we went for din tao movie. u shouted like a kid and say u wanna watch it. have u watch it? it's really nice. damn funny. but I can't laugh. I asked myself why am I watching it alone now? if things never happened.

it's currently 6:30am now. I can't sleep. although I told people my tears dried up but please lah I admit I lied. my tears are still rolling down as I typed this. what are u doing now? u must be sleeping. preparing to wake up for work in an hour's time right? jia you. I believe u will have sales soon. I'll keep u in my prayers always.

I love u.