I hate my life and my past

These few days I spent watching tv with my papa. He finds lu guang sen lin nice too. Trying to be very nice to him, was afraid he might blow his top on me any moment. Luckily he didn't. Actually my papa is very nice. We shared a $3 fried rice because he needs to save money. He let me ate more then half of the rice and he chomp biscuits himself. Was so upset when I saw this. Why are we suffering? Even had to save from makan.

Why can't I find a job for so long? He's retiring soon. He's already 57 and had to slog his guts out everyday under the hot sun. What are we going to do in a few years? Mama needs her medication. She's on long time medication and her life will be in danger if she didn't take it. Sometimes I'm very afraid we don't even have the money to pay for her hundred plus bucks medicine. Most of my close ones are rich. At least they don't have to worry about if they can afford eating some good food for their next meal. Why can't we just be richer a little? So that we don't have to save so tightly till my papa can't eat well.

Mama won't be back so soon. She's still in genting. Then later still need to stop at KL and malacca. So many days alone. I'm getting very used to being alone now. No one even cares about me now. Papa won't be at home later. Perharps I will ask kai ma out or go to her house to stay this weekend. At least there's twins to accompany me. Don't wanna care about online stuffs first. Pardon me. I really am very tired of the lonely feeling. I hate being alone. I'm too afraid of being alone. Very very afraid.

Say that I'm afraid of being alone. But I still like to be alone when I'm online. Just that I don't want to face an empty house. The feeling is terrible. Makes me think of the times when mama is in hospital and I'm alone everyday. Very very scary. I even forget how many times my mama goes for ''holidays'' at ttsh. Can say that she stays before every storey of ttsh. All 5-10. Only 11-13 a class she didn't holi there nia. Even holi in 3rd storey icu twice before. Do you know that icu smells dead? Horrible place it is.

I just can't seems to forget the past. There was once I woke up in shock and scream non stop. Mama rushes over and can't wake me up. I just sit on my bed screaming and crying non stop. Asking my dear teachers and friends to forgive me. Keep screaming sorry to junhao, irene, qiuhui etc. Mama was so heartbroken when she saw this. She really regret to sign the withdraw forms last time. I had to being clam and comfort down slowly. And I don't even know about all these till my mama told me the next day. It seems I'm stressing myself too much and suffering in slience till I break down. I appear fine to the others but deep down I'm not. I'm tied down by my past. And all these just happened not long ago. They all thought I had forget about my past when I actually didn't.

Maybe only looking at old save msn conv between me and darren cheers me up. We had really interesting conv. But I don't know for how long I didn't chat with him le. Maybe I'm avoiding him ba. Just don't want to be too close to him and let him yi lai me too much. He really must learn how to solve his prob and worries himself. I can't stay by him and help him everytime de right? Tell me, am I too selfish? Just think of myself and don't even bother about my buddy now. He jio me to a new online game but I didn't accompany him to play. Makes him feel so lonely. I'm a bad friend. I know he will cheer me up when I'm feeling down. But just don't wanna disturb him. A huge apologize to darren and all. Just let me disappear online for afew more days.

Relak!

I didn't have enough sleep for 3 days and still counting. 2 to 4 hours is how much I slept everyday. Pathetic yea? Don't know why I couldn't sleep. Recently didn't online much too. Either I went out to have a break or hide in my room and blast my mp3. Just don't want to face the computer. The moment I saw my computer I feel sianz.

Actually sticking your eyes on tv isn't a bad choice either. If only I can have cable tv. I love taiwan shows and variety programs. Imagine watching my idols show everyday. Damn shiok right? Ming dao~ Jungiery~ Dad asked me to move to taiwan suan liao. =.=''

Mmm.. I only know I need cash recently. And I needed them badly. D asked me to work in the bank he's working at. Saying they needed staffs. I don't believe that doesn't need a cert or anything. No need work exp, no need cert to work in a bank? You're kidding me! And I don't want to key in one less 0 from the cheque or anything then I can die straight. You know I'm a blur sotong.

Got ps by D today. He didn't join fenni and me at jp. Better lor. Girls day out. We went shopping. Wee~ I bought tons of nail polish for only 50 cents each from chamelon. Wakaka. Nice colours. Light brown. Silver. Hello kitty pink. I've got like 10 colours in total now. Anyone wanted a manicure? I can help you with that. Stickies and full treatment provided. LOL!

Ate long john at tea time. We're loving it. The fish rocks! I prefer the fish to the chicken. We ordered combo 2 and munch straight away. Perharps I'm really too hungry? The don't like fast food rongfang found out that fast food taste not bad too. Maybe I should just give myself a break and learn to enjoy sometimes. It's been don't know how long since I last ate an unproper meal out.

Went to courts and harvey norman to compare the prices of creative mp3s. Fenni die die wanted a creative one. Actually samsung not bad leh. I love my samsung. Perharps I should get an adapter for my mp3. The price is very reasonable at harvey norman. At last after walking between courts and harvey norman for countless times, she decided to buy a white creative from courts.

The courts salesman looks familar. And I mean really familar. He looks like an old classmate of mine. ZW? Is that really him? He only had his name tag with his christian name on it. But he keeps chatting to the both of us. Seems we know him very long lidat. Asking where we live and tons more personal questions. Salesman asking customers where we live? That's erm interesting? Had no chance to ask him more. Was afraid I might get the wrong guy. So oh well. If it's him means no fate lor. Really cham. Haha.

Feel like watching soccer later. Should I or shouldn't I? Watching 22 issit? guys chasing a ball is fun? Why can't we just give them a ball each? Then no need to snatch so troublesome. Lol. I think I prefer to play chess with zhou gong aka sleep then watching guys chasing ball. Football. Coughs.

Chants: Sleep, sleep. I need my beauty sleep~ =D

You win I lose

What the F*** is wrong with all? First one I don't care. 2nd one I sian half le. 3rd one comes today. I know it will come one day. So got prepartion le. 4th one comes soon after. This one also know know le. Ok lor. Win. You all win. Only 2nd one I understand. Others I don't know why. All copy cats. Very funny to PS all of us at the same time? Fine lor. I'm du lan le.

I know that from long ago. But just dun understand why all choose to go at the same time. Suddenly my heart sink down because of them. Totally no mood le. Choose to escape and avoid all. Cos come on sure another bad news. I rather don't see then don't know. So let me mia a few days first ba. Also too busy to come on at day time anyway. Pardon me.

I finally managed to get all my old cds into my comp and upgraded a newer version of winamp. Yea, no worries. It won't mess up your previous winamp. You get your song lists and shoutcast all there. Just like msn. All your things just got dump back. So can upgrade your winamp without worries or saving anything. Just had a hard time typing all the song titles in nia. From ytd till today at last got them done. I love my old songs. Techno cds rocks!

Going out later to accompany fenni to buy a mp3 at jp perharps. Maybe having dinner outside. D called me at late night to chat and say he wanna join us at jp. Ok lor, come along lor. I don't mind. Neither does my cousin. D is having big probs now. Think I need to spend more time with him instead of accompany F to play the new game now. I will be mia online for a few more days ba. Going out to walk walk. Just don't feel like facing the computer. Beep me if you miss me lor.

A nong nong post

It's a tiring day today. Didn't managed to catch enough zzz worms. Slept at 6am and woke up at 9.30am to accompany fenni to the tuition center to listen to a talkshow. What a talkshow it indeed is. The MD = Managing Director Mr Koh ah beng. Coughs. Koh whatever beng it is lar. He's such a great talker. Yark and yark non stop. Dead also can let him talk till turn alive. Haha.

Say what blar blar good way to earn quick bucks. I think they are talking about themselves instead. Cos you need to pay them a damn high ''maintainence'' fee to help them take care of their bo liao server of around $100 per month. Everyone are still alright, but upon hearing this. I guess all change face liao. Lol.

The worst thing is he still call us one by one as we are his students and ask those bo liao questions. It's been around 10 years since people called me this way to answer a question. Feels sibei bo song arh! Makes me damn pai seh man. I hate being called out from young till now. Seems so pai seh if you don't know how to answer the question. Argh!

Parted with fenni at noon cos she's going back sp for her lessons. Went jp to meet ym di. The worst thing happen! My shoes died on me at je! I had to dance hip hop, hap a hop over to jp to buy a new pair. But also glad I bought a new wonderful white pair of lady like shoe. Had lunch there. My mee pok tastes heavenly! His steak seems yucks to me. Lol.

Find a bench to sit at basement and chatted there with ym di. Guess we both really are pro. We got talking exp leh. What do you think? Lol. We can actually talk for a couple of hours there while we checked our hp's contact lists and snap some pics. Went to twins house after that. The new ''standby'' jp interchange is nice.

War at twins house. Dinner time was bad. Kai ma was angry with them. World war 3 started again with crying and screaming. Oh well. I'm sandwiched. Don't know how to help. Only can comfort the crying girls. Sorry girls, I really can't help much. Listen to your mom sometimes. She got her point too. Try to consider about her feelings too. Put yourself in her shoes and think. She's tired after working so hard. So don't anger her anymore. Just obey her. Don't wait until she do action then you both respone okay?

Went to je with kai ma after twins left for tuition. Walked around with the whole bag of vcds and cds. I finally got back my old cds from twins! More songs! Techno songs! The bag was like 5kgs and it's such a pain to carry it. Kai ma went makan at jec's kopitiam. Yong tau foo. I wanted that too. Drools!

Let me tell you guys a disgusting exp. Jec's washroom sux. From the outer look, it seems grand. But the inner part is yucks! No papers, toilet can't flush, sink no water, sink flooded, toilet never wash with gross stuffs all over, door cannot lock. Really is like sai. I won't recommend you guys to go jec's washroom. No matter if it's level 2 or whatever. All like shit. Walk over to je library's washroom if you can tahan and the library is open. Got to complain this. It's terribe and horrible to see this kind of washrooms in sg.

Parted with kai ma at late night. Roam a little in je mrt station's shoppies. Went home soon after. Now busy ripping all my cds into my comp. And need to change the wma format of previous cds to mp3 format. A busy night. Can't sleep early again I guess. I will be busy later and on wed too. You won't be able to catch me these few days. Anything just leave me a msg. Will get back to you asap! Miss you guys!

Sunday blues?

Nothing much to talk about today. Just a normal sunday that is disturbed by my ''egg'' cousin. Sleeping soundly on a sunday noon when I heard my hello kitty doorbell rang. Thought it was a salesman so didn't bother to open it. Then next came the phone call. Got shocked up and remembered that my karen jie will be coming today. S-H-E-E-T! Time to si liao. :l

The main root of the problem lies with my mom. She don't want my jie to know she gone malaysia for holiday. Then my jie come out from malaysia looking for my mom. Wonderful timing they got. She keep asking where my mom is? Didn't bring hp? Is she going out with my dad etc. I just brush her off with a don't know. I hate to lie. Lying is a sin. I feel so bad. Bleh. =(

Must really thanks kai ma for helping me to yuan huang. Otherwise I can't imagine how my mom will murder me. *sweat* Don't understand why must we lie about this. Oh well. -_-

Spend the evening deejaying for 2 hours. Dad was roaring outside my room. Prays that the listeners didn't hear that. Dumped to di at 8. Wanted to go off but got dragged by fanta to stay. Teached weiwei how to adjust the encoder kbps settings. 24kbps mono sounds bad. I had to push him to try 128kbps stereo and it turned out very well! He sounds much much more better. And as for myself, I pluck up enough courage to try a high 192kbps stereo and it's wow! Smooth. Phew.

Rotted online to catch aqmfs 2nd last episode. The battle between neo-image and amour is lame. The more I look at ming dao and qiao qiao the more I not shun yan. Still prefer ming dao and qiao en. ^ ^ Karen jie said ming dao is crazy to kiss qiao en on the concert. Totally agree with this. He's mad. He's SJB. Shen jing bing aka SIAO.

I think I must be crazy to go and dl a new game for 30 hours just because darren ask me to accompany him to play. Fighting chickens? What the chicken lar. No choice. Darren asked and I couldn't bring myself to reject. Guess I can only find an excuse and ps him soon. =x

I didn't sleep enough for these few days. Panda eyes popping out liao. Ytd night accompany stick chit chatting about hps. I'm glad I'm not so afraid of him anymore. He aren't really very fierce? Haha. Tonight also no need to sleep le. Must wait for aqmfs to be done and still need to get up at 9am to accompany my cousin to bukit batok for her interview. Then rushes over to NP to meet the kids teens. I wonder how my day will go later. Sleepy and keep dozing off in trains? Hope not. We'll see.

Imma going to faint

No faint also cannot lar. I pass by ming dao's official forum just now. And guess what? One month le. Now I just noticed that my story got transfer from baidu's forum to mingdao.net. And there's a huge respone. Much more better then baidu bar. I think I mia for 1 mth plus le. Totally no idea what to continue. Then I got a shock when I saw one comment.

''Gotten this from the author's friend. She kena accdient. Now in hospital fighting for her life.''
WHAT THE HELL!
-_-llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Han si le. Speechless...........
CHOY LAR!!!!!!!!!
Later I go comment in the post saying you got the wrong door, then got this reply back.
''Sorry author, I paste sala post le. Sorry sorry!''
............................................................
She wants to post this in EyreJane's post come find her way to my story for what?
Blur sotong. I had to nvm nvm lar. But i sibei bo song lor. Blur till lidat. I kena curse for nothing. Suay si liao. =.=

If you haven read my story. Do go and drop me a bomb, I mean a comment. =D
http://blog.xuite.net/rongfang/dreamland

Just now went pasar malam with my dear cousin. We can actually chat for 2 hours under the void deck. -_-
Pro hor? We talked about guys. Gossip about them and say how life is great being single without guys to control us. =D
Maybe calling her later at 3am while she listens to the soccer match live. I'm bored. =(
Still need to get up early on monday to accompany her to bukit batok then maybe follow her back to SP to ka jiao. xD

Today chat with jie. Our topic is about guys again. Those guy friends of mine. And blar blar blar, and as usual jie will say she sense what what what fishy, meaty, vege whatever. And I go orh orh orh lor. Just a bro and a very good friend of mine. Compare them? Not going. They're both my dear friends. :D

What if you got a very good guy friend of yours that is over warm? to you. He will just call you darling and dear here and there. Hug you when meeted. Then news will get boo, he's your bf har? This and that har? Imma gonna faint again. Buay tahan. No choice, I'm a VIP everywhere. Muhahaha! No lar, I guess I just make a great friend to others? *shakes head* Seriously I'm not. And you better believe it okay? :)

D said I will be a good gf. Cos I'm zhuan yi. Won't hip hop here and there. Same to guys. Hahaha. It's totally the opposite! You don't know only mar bro! LOL! And please no dozing off when you are on the phone with me. I can't stand it. Had to call and call then you suddenly respone and ask eh da jie what time? I never sleep! I never! Oh well, useless. Cos you already slept.
-_-

Funny post I posted today? Then laugh lor. Laugh like siao. LLS time!!!
Hahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahaha
I know I'm going crazy. xD

Extreme makeover

A busy day for me. Starting from tonight onwards will be back to normal posts. There won't be any abnormal weirdo posts which makes you go o.o??? You will surely understand what I'm trying to say now.

Let's start with my day. I had a terrible night. Laughing my guts out watching ming dao's new show. And had a stupid 'arguement' with my aircon. Die die don't let me on. -_- I need to hammer it soon. Hot hot weather. Wake my mama up and ask her to lend me 100 bucks for the stupid printer's ink. I wonder why is it so ex. Cost around 60 bucks for it. 20 for contact lens and 20 for my medical fees. Money is indeed easy to spend. Zzz..

Forced myself out of bed at 1pm. And dilly dally till 3pm before I went out for my extreme makeover. First stop went to the specs shop. Good news. My contact lens arrived. =D Bad news. The degree doesn't suit me. -_- Mine degree is like 1000++ degree for each eye and the max the contact lens can give is 900? Faints.. I got blurly vision for the whole day. Nearly bang into wall twice. Jia lat.. The worst part is forcing the lens in my eyeballs and digging them out. I wonder if I'm digging my eyeballs or lens out. The specs uncle nearly fainted. LOL! Guess I used too much strength. Who ask the lens to stick like chewing gum? -_- And I can't get used to wearing it too. I need tons of courage to get the lens into my eyes and pulling them out. Guess I won't wear it again. Leave it to rot for the month then. xD

Next stop, salon! For my extreme makeover step 2. Which is dying my hair. Okay. My hair died. I mean I dyed my hair. -_- Blone! Hahahaha.. Like ang mo lidat got gold hair. LOL! It's actually light brown sort of near blone. Not really golden lar. Very very nice. I'm very sastifised with the results but not the money given. 55 bucks for my short hair getting dyed is not worth at all. But I enjoyed getting pampered. Free hairwash. But you get water into your eyes. Zzz.. The good point of wearing contact lens is you actually get to read magz when you dyed your hair. LOL! Otherwise I will just stone there for 1 hour. Because I'm blind without my specs. xD Seems I look younger and funkier liao. Woots! Mission complete!

Third stop. Went causeway. See doc. And kena ill treated! Kena poke a needle right on my throat just to cure my cough. Poor me. My throat pains the whole day. Bought the ink soon after I left the clinic. And discover the stupid ink's price increase again. Boo! 60 bucks soon I tell you. Lexmark's ink sux. =x

Snap a totally extreme makeover pic and display it everywhere if you noticed. Seems not bad to me. I still look okay without specs. I agree I look fierce alittle. But not that bad lar. Just don't like to smile. I look really young and cool. Woots! It's a success! Congrats to myself. Seems alot of people noticed my makeover. I got like 5 msn windows when I logged on. Even those never chat de also come chat. -_- And alot ask if I going dating arh? Arbo why makeover for what? NO~! I just want a new style. Nothing much. That's all. Don't anyhow think. -_-

Come back kena shock by da jie's nick. 'Paging for RongFang'. Scared me to death. I thought what sala I made. Hahaha.. Seems I scared myself for nothing. It's only a small question she's asking me about. No need give the xun ren qi shi msg ma da jie. Xia si wo le. I timid one you know. Haha.. xD

Ps: My eyes hurting like crazy now. Boo! Stupid lens! =l