went to sign the letter of offer aka agreement today.
when my name was signed on it, i asked myself.
have i totally decided to let everything go?

it means a brand new start for me.
everything seems so attractive. but it just doesn't seems to attract me.
my mind is still best best best.
remembered the small but cosy it store.
the always full house pantry.
and the staff canteen.

i asked myself again. best couldn't be so difficult to forget right?
then i realize it's our 1 year memories there that i can't forget.
and of course you.

trying my very best to divert all my attention away from you.
hope this job makes a good start.
i'm glad you talked to me recently. it really makes me feel so much better.
after tp end will be a brand new start. for you and for me.

issit suppose to be a good thing? i hope so.
cos for now my current motivation is still you.
let me prove my best out for you, me and all alright?
JY RF. JY.

car accident at BBDC.
first and the last. damn.
confidence and moral all gone.
how to go for the TP next week?

i DID step on the brake. but the car keep on rolling!!
if you said i step on wrong pedal, you think the car infront wont kena bang till move?
when the car don't stop rolling i panic.
WHY I NEVER THINK OF PULLING THE HANDBRAKE??
let it roll and panic then so last min i release the brake. and BANG. you got it.
both cars bumper, boot and bonet all dented.
OMFG. my mind was in a whole blank.
i thought im going to get injured or something when the crash came.

wah F. so guilty towards the instructor. today gan mc he took over.
i fix instructor and group also kena him.
as he said, this kind of things cant siam means cant siam.
i feel so sorry. he's such a good instructor.
hope he dont kena too jia lat jia lat.

shag. damn shag now.
haiish..........

we both cried today. but trust me what i said is all 真心话..
i understand there's some reasons that we're not able to be together anymore.
i accepted that. cos i believe im the main cause of it. i never blame u at all.

i swear i won't get into another relationship anymore.
it's too hurtful. i know i kept giving u empty promises.
it's okay. i need time. time for me to change.
if i can do it. please allow me to be your friend still.
if not im too ashamed to face u too.

为什么你那么难忘记?
你是要永远都住在我心里吗?
just stay there quietly can? don't stir my emotions anymore.
you're the best yet worst relationship i ever had.
and trust me. this is the last one i'll go for.

是时候放手了。两个月前的今天，你给了我最后一次机会。很可惜的，我不懂得珍惜。我错过了。我失去了。你再也不会回来了。

今天，我决定把你从我的心里送走。很痛。真的很痛。我就好像把你一片片的从我心里割出来。我忍着痛，流着泪，闭上眼，不得已的跟你道别。

我曾经最爱的建龙，祝幸福，快乐。

dear jianlong,

today i screwed up. i purposely scolded you and your mom. i purposely want to make you leave me. as a friend. i said i want you as a friend. but i know it's not at this point of time. i deleted all regarding you and your contacts. i promised i won't go to your fb or twitter anymore. ask yourself. do you really think i'm this kind of person that scold you and your family? NO! I JUST WANT YOU TO TOTALLY GIVE UP ON ME! but please continue to think i'm this kind of person ok? think that your ex is such an idiot ok? it will make you feel better.

i know i scolded till very cannot listen. i told you i have someone else in my mind already. i thought when i lie to you i'll feel better. at least i can don't cling on your for a while. i want to make use of this time to change everything. including my future. after then which i will HAVE THE FACE to contact you again. even if we're strangers the next time we meet. even if you hate me. it's okay.

my heart hurts. but i have to be brave. i'm sorry i said till so 狠 and  绝 . this kind of stuffs really cannot drag anymore. the more i hold on to you the more upset i will have cause you. i want the best for you. i want your life to be better than mine. sorry. forgive me. even if we might not have the chance to meet forever. i'm glad. cos i FINALLY PUSHED YOU AWAY. YOU WILL HAVE A BETTER LIFE NOW!

很痛. but i have to learn to live my life without you. cos this is what you want. love does not mean to have that person all by yourself. it means giving the person a better life even if it's without you. if this is what the other party wants. I MUST BEAR MY TEARS. but why does it keep flowing down? 忍! 忍! 忍!

i hope you don't see this post forever.
对不起. 我爱你. 却不配拥有你.
you deserve someone better.
祝你幸福................................................

让我自己一个人承担就好 ok?
毕竟我始终是做错了............

dear jianlong,

i'm sorry. i really dont know what have i done. i dont regret. it only hurts when you asked me the question. it was ridiculous yet pierce my heart. i know you want me to have a motivation. you want me to stand up by myself. you keep saying no to my requests. you mean me well. but do you know it's tough? really tough?

i thought i could forget all by tonight. if i drink myself silly. all is enough. but the more i drink the more your image comes into my mind. hurts. really hurts. im thankful that you called me just now. so i finally know. you just want me to get lost of your life. mia all i want right? you want a life without me totally.

it hurts. but i will try my very best. you don't have to tell me to get lost anymore. i've solve everything by myself. no matter the future is full of obstacles or humps. i will get across them one by one. BY MYSELF. if this is what you want. i don't want you to be upset anymore. i'll leave. i hope one day i'll be back.

back as a new rf. or should i say an old rf. the rf whom is in partly in charge of the IT counter. work is all her life. sales and money are her motivation. promoters and staffs are all her energy boost. bro asked me to get a job and work as hard as i could. give me some time. when i'm back. i'll make sure you won't regret me this friend.

i only want to remain friends...
a friend whom you can be proud of..
a friend whom you don't have to worry about..
prove you wrong soon...

等我..
give me one more chance to change?

dear jianlong,

it's been one whole month without you. my life really chui. i really miss you a lot. is there no hope for patch? i really don't know what have i done? keep asking for a good guy. ended up i pushed the good guy away myself. regret? so? why can't i regret earlier? everything is already a 定局 now. i have nobody to blame.

really can't get out of this relationship. I'll get nightmare every time. nightmares of you leaving me the next moment. when can i wake up from this? this dream ended. was suppose to be an ever lasting dream. ended up i make it into a never lasting dream.

if only there's this one last chance for me..
if only...
i'm sorry i hurt you..
nothing matters now..
i only want you to be happy..

please find a better girl than me..
I'm not worth your tears...

you will always be in a part of my heart..
always..
forever..