Tuesday, July 31, 2007

My Emotions

Slept late last night. Coughing like hell. Couldn't sleep at all. Spent my morning watching TV shows. And, reading my old blog posts. Those were memories. Although they can be washed away from my mind. But can't wash away from my blog. Take it as some young innocent memories.

Work in another 2 days time. Wonder if I can cope with it. Later will be going to the hospital. Will be asking for a stronger dose of medication. Otherwise my emotions will be greatly affected. My normal dose of medication is already starting to become useless.

Perhaps after take a walk back to IMM. Been coping myself up at home for the past few weeks. This ain't healthy. I missed my old work place and my old friends. But I know there won't be another chance to be back there. Well, if the old won't go the new won't come. Right not?

Been feeling kind of sleepy and tired recently. Wonder why I get so tired easily. Maybe I'm already old. Or maybe I'm tired, of waiting. 80 plus days more to go before he's out. I've been wanting to give him the bottle for so long. Hope he appreciate it. It's just a bottle of messages.

I've been keeping to myself for quite long. Since when am I back to my old self? The old RongFang who doesn't speak much and have no confidence in herself? The quiet and timid girl who does nothing but sleep and online the whole day. Shucks.

Forget it. I want to sleep. Doctor Melvin please save me tomorrow. I'm really tired and can't hang on anymore. I need a rest to everything. This is my well deserve break.

Monday, July 30, 2007

A Never Lasting Dream

I have a lot on my mind tonight to blog out. Feelings and emotions. But when I clicked the 'create post' on blogger. All thoughts are gone in a flash. My mind is so empty now. Let me have a minute to recall okay?

-------------1 Minute Over--------------

Let's talk about dreams. Since my blog is involved with dreams.

I dream a lot these few nights. Basically nightmares. Some nightmares which are so ridiculous. I laughed upon when I woke up. Some nightmares which are so real that I woke up in cold sweat. And of course there's some sweet dreams. So sweet that it might be what may happen in the future. I hope so? =)

As for why my blog is named as Dream Land and URL is an-ever-lasting-dream. (NOT A NEVER LASTING DREAM!!) I believed in fairy tales previously when I was young. Innocent right? Now I know that it can never come true. Prince and princess won't leave happily ever after together. Because.. because.... because..

They will die in the end!!

HAHAHAHAHA!!

Okay, not funny? -_-

Because fairy tales which had happy endings are fake. Just to lie to innocent ones like me. No matter how much we know that those ain't true. We will still always kena bluff. -_-

I've learn my lesson. Never believe anyone or anything easily. So that I won't be the one to get hurt in the end. But don't know why I will still choose to believe them and always kena hurt one. -_-lll

Maybe I should rename my blog to a-never-lasting dream.

Well.. well.. well..

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Bits Of Thoughts

Every night I would have nightmares about him. How he got torture and suffering inside. My mind is thinking too much I know. Cos SG prison won't torture prisoners. But to think he can't smoke for 6 months. How can he stand it? Me without smoking for 3 days already beginning to throw temper.

Images of him in my mind are already fading away. Perhaps I haven't seen him for too long. In my mind now is only bits and pieces of stuffs. I'm trying hard to recall. Writing him pieces of notes every night. Afraid that I'll drift from him once he's out. I really can't predict and don't know what will happen in 3 months time.

Totally no confidence in myself in work and personal life. I'm a wishy washy person. To think my work's problem was settled so easily. God bless. I'll start work only on Aug. These few days will be some good days to rest. Hope all will be smooth for me from Aug onwards. I really hope that I'll be able to work till he comes out.

Finally my flu is getting a little better today. And I chomp on lots of things today. Ice cream, pudding, potato chips etc. My mouth just can't stop eating. Troubled in the inside yet have to fake a smile outside. It hurts. Hence stuffing myself bloated is the best way. Problems gone this way.

Ask me why I can't get my mind off him. Maybe it's cos he came to me at my most depressed time and help me up. Or maybe, we got fate. =)

Hmm tired. I can't stop burping now. Ate too much. Oops. =S
Time to let off some gas. LOL!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Sick And Tired Girl

Already sick for the 4th day. Mum and me quarreled today. Cos I want to work. She doesn't allow. Hence bleh. War lor. Ar boh then. I kena lock up in the house. So today no work as usual.

Kai ma called early morning. Advising me not to work and rest at home. Stay at home to get my health back first. Cos she said eat medicine and work. Later stress more I die. But I don't want. Ask me to stay at home and do nothing. I'll feel more worse later.

My whole day as usual was spent on the bed. Sleep and sleep non stop. I'm feeling so drowsy from the medicine. I know a lot cares for me. But I'm already old enough to think. No worries ok. Maybe ya. I don't know how to relax and put down some stuffs. But I promise that I'll try alrights?

Feeling weak all over. Not going to bother too much already. Sleep early tonight and off to work tomorrow. Nobody can stop me anymore. I'll 'flip face' with whoever who tries to ask me not to work. I understand your concern but I can decide for myself. =)

Time checked 8.30pm. Early bed time. Really can't hang on anymore.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Still Sick

Already sick for 3 days and still counting. *Shakes head*

I got eat my medicine on time one okay! I'm very guai one okay! But I'm still sick. Don't feel like talking much these few days. Just like to keep to myself. I swear I'm going back to work tomorrow. Can't let it drag on anymore. Who cares what problem I'm facing. Work, all problems gone.

Today my house 2 TVs got blown up. One shock after another. Now no more TV at home for me to watch. Eeyer! Bully me! The chao tar smell is still flying in my house. Sibei smelly. Feel like puking. But am really glad that nobody's injured. That's why I said. NONO to 2nd hand stuffs. See lar. -.-

My hands are trembling and shivering as I typed this post. Maybe it's the side effects of the medicine. These few days I sleep a lot. Dream a lot too. Dreams are not ever lasting. They faded soon after you wake up. I'm suffering from nightmares these few nights. Can I have one sweet dream tonight?

Time checked. It's only 9.30pm now. And I'm feeling too drowsy to do anything. Orh orh lo. =)

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sick Girl

Never go work. Seen doctor today. Maybe I'm suffering from dengue. Have not confirm yet. I'm feeling drowsy from the medicine. Need meet zhou gong already. Time to sleep. Nights.

Update:

I slept very early and woke up very late. Body still shivering like hell. Coughing and sneezing. Fever ran up to a high 38.7. -.-

Please tell me what I should do now? I don't even have the strength to walk today. Let alone work. So of cos I didn't work today lah.

Whenever I want to do anything. There's sure some spoilers. Just wtf is my life turning into? Even my blog's taggie became a party. Speechless. -.-

I just need some quietness and peace now. My sickness had already act up. Plus this don't know what thing I'm suffering from. It's been so many days. Argh! Go and die lah. Zzz.

Last time I enjoyed a bottle of Pokka green tea everyday. Now I enjoyed a cone of ice cream everyday. Who cares about if it's winter? now. I just want to enjoy my life everyday.

Can eat, eat. Can play, play. Can sleep, sleep!

Edited at 4pm 26/7

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Confused Mind

Mmm. Pon again.

Depression acts up. Been wondering how I should handle it. Prof advised me to go IMH for treatment. It's a case of depression plus 'jing shen fen lie zhen'. Understand not? Hmm. Cheem.

Don't want to do anything about it. My parents die die don't allow me into IMH. Want me to rest at home for at least 6 months. Hell man. I rather go work. But somehow afraid I'll do something sjb while working.

Haiz. Stress. Tell me what should I do?

He's been drifting out of my mind recently. After what Kor advised me. Forget is a blessing. Maybe it's a good thing after all. I can just forget everything in one whole shot. And start all over again when he's back. For now. I'll just write him a note daily. Just to bear in mind that there's still a him.

Sick. Coughing and sneezing. Headache too. Perhaps if it's dengue also not bad. At least it's some time for me to past. Days won't be so tough to pass by then. This really feels like waiting for death. Yet death die die don't want to arrive yet.

Maybe I should sleep. Work or not. Decide tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Give Me A Break

I'm feeling lousy at times. Which is every time. -.-

Feeling bloated. Tired. Restless. Whatever and anything you can think of. Really cant hang on anymore. Feel like screaming out loud. Which is what I do every time. And tmd those si matas come and asked me to shh. Fuck them maggots. You then shh! It's only 1am! Why can't I scream?

Promised I'll be back to work tomorrow. But doubt I will do so. I'm feeling so troubled. Which I sense that my depression will be back. Made a call to my doctor and was given a last warning by him. He said if I don't know how to relax my tense mind. Then it's IMH for me.

Scared you meh? Go then go lar. Like I never go before lidat.

Just afraid that my illness will act up when I'm at work. I'll landed myself in trouble. Esp when tomorrow boss will be there. Later I kill her I also don't know. Then hoho.

Fuck my mind. Don't know what I'm thinking. I only know. Give me a break can?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Chat Logs

I pon work today. 2nd day of work and I pon. Win already right? -.-

Can't blame me. I was feeling too sick to even get up. Been thinking a lot should I work or should I not? My parents disallow me to work. Cos of my sickness I guess. I won't be knowing what I've done sometimes. Skali choy, even I kill anyone I won't know it. Dangerous. That's why my parents and doctor disallowed me to work. I think I need to tell my supervisor this. Am really scared the worst might happen anytime without me knowing.

Yesterday first day of work and heng heng bumped into YM di. I kena dragged by him to his classmates and he introduced me as his god sis. Somemore he asked his friends I chio right? Fish. Feel like digging a hole underground and crawl in. Got "forced" to donate money by him. Maybe that's why my yesterday sux so much. Cos I bumped into di. LOL! Joking la.

Buddy messaged me today. Finally not MIA anymore huh?

Darren: hello
Darren: u know how to play mj?
RongFang: dun wan play la
RongFang: i today sick
Darren: okok
Darren: take care

NB you. Just lidat? So many years friends. Cannot accompany me to chat more?

Was sick at home so came online and browsed through my chat logs. I've got chat logs from Feb till now. The conversation between me and turtle's really funny. He said he forgotten what we said. Can't post them here anyway. Cos we had a long 3 hours conversation that night. From 2am-5am. Blogger would be damn flooded like hell if I posted it.

Si Man In Black Turtle! =P

I finally know his Chinese name when I browsed through his testi's today. Wei Jie. O_O!! LOL!!!!!

Ever since when I'm in school. I've always known senior turtle as his english name. First time learn about his Chinese name I'm laughing like siao.

I'm evil I know. But guys can't be much more better too. Right not? xD

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Half Dead

I nearly died. Or should I said I've died. -.-

Tired and stress till die. Having a cold and fever right now. Sneezing like ah choo no need money and forehead hot like ready to bbq a live chicken. Took a cab home and fell half dead on it. Fucking cab fare's 18 bucks. KILL ME!

To think Jeff can be so fucking alive still after working like a year there. Nope. And I didn't talk to him much today. Don't feel like talking much to anyone also. Too busy trying to remember the things I'm taught.

Newstead is so fucking tiring and stress!

Omg! Being a full time admin had so many fucking things to learn and do. I rather do sales. At least I don't have to face the computer and papers whole day. I thought I might like being a admin. But nope. It sux.

The supervisor Jenny's being very nice to me. No stress from her. But the current admin is going off in 1 week's time. Means I have to learn all or almost all those things within 1 week. Tell me? Am I superwoman? If you say yes then I can do it. If not I can't. Sorry.

I really don't know how long more I can hang on. I'll break down. Maybe I'll just give up tomorrow. Sigh.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Feeling Lousy

I've been feeling lousy these few days. This happens when I chanced upon their photos in Friendster. Photos of Xin and SK. To think she uploaded more photos today. Those from 2003 till now. This sux more. I've been feeling very bad and lousy since this. Bad cos I feel bad and guilty and not forgetting stupid. Like a third party lidat. Lousy cos I don't know? Just feel lousy upon seeing their photos. How lovey dovey they are. Still can go overseas for holiday some more. While me? Trying to struggle a life and forget all those lousy memories. The world indeed is unfair.

I'll think I'll just use the computer lesser. Computer always brings trouble and problem to me. I'll just concentrate on work more. Going back work tomorrow. People around me had already noticed my change. I've became so much more quieter. Always keep to myself and don't like to mix in with others. Guess I'll do the same when I'm at work. Later my nick at school "Ice Queen" will be back again then hosay liao.

Went out with Jimmy today. J stands for Jimmy Huang. Kk. Not a secret now anyway. Cos we show up together at Funan and had already gave some a shock. Joyce's mouth can't close when she saw us together sia. Some more we both wore black. Like couple clothes sia. -.- Nothing much to mention about. The rumors about him like me and whatever so is past. We're just buddies. And buddies can go out together and makan, chat, smoke. Go spread whatever kaya nonsense the people want. I heard people said we pat-toh-ing just now already. They even came to ask me. Go think whatever you like. I fuck care k?

Wanted to go home and Julian kor called me to "nag". He said he can sense the weirdness and chong dong ness of talking to him that's why he called when he's on the way driving home back to JB. And said as I called him kor, I need to listen to his "nagging". -.- We talked a lot. From past to present to future. And about JH. I learned and gained a lot from his talk. But just wonder if I can bear what he said in mind not. As for work, I'll chiong. Won't let him down.

Chiong ba. Don't want to think of anything stupid for now. Let all wait until he's release then say. I fuck care thinking already. This sux. I'm feeling lousy and lousier day by day.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Interesting

Day was boring. Went BPP and makan like a hungry ghost till people from other tables looked at me with the O_O look. I feel so pai seh. -.- Bought lots of snacks from FairPrice and went home. Now my house like a minimart sia. -.-

After reaching home later went to meet C. Tonight I had a very chatty night thanks to C. C accompany me chat the whole night sia. Bought me drinks and candies. And told me about the work. C's work not simple as I thought. So being a boss also not that easy one. Had to do all the hard work also. Poor thing leh.

Then came home, chatted with J till both our msn flood like siao sia. Added each other in msn but never chat before. Tonight so strange can talk with him so much. He asked about my work at Newstead and asked me out tomorrow. O_O Such a surprise. So go lor. Going Marina only lar. Then maybe later after he need to go for the company dinner I'll go IMM find his boss my kor lor.

Mood's better after having a face to face chat with C and online chat with J. Friends are great. Hope tomorrow will be a good day. Don't let me tio kan by my kor can already. LOL. Nightz.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Waiting

Been popping by forums whole night. Browsing through my idols new show.

樱野 3 + 1

It's a new show by Ming Dao & Qiao En. And I'm awaiting it. Something that I looked forward to other than his release on Oct. I guess the show should have or about to end by the time he gets release. Don't tell me I really have to spend 3 whole months at home going back to my old life?

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But seriously I don't have the mood to do anything else now. I just slept the whole day and online the whole night. Made a call to HR. No news yet. Continue waiting. Terrible feeling. It's an amusing thing. I don't want to work, they chase me to work. I want to work, they don't allow me to work. -.-

HOW LONG MORE MUST I WAIT?

Went hospital this morning. Am told that my EGG and CT scan reports are normal. No signs of siao nerves or anything. So I don't have to visit them anymore. I only need to visit my doctor whom people called them Shen Jing Bing doctor. ROFLMAO!

I sleep because my brain won't be active and I won't think for that moment. Can allow me to stop thinking of him and all those matters for a while. But when I woke up, nightmare continues. Time is passing by so slowly that I can cry my ass out. Time move faster please! I wish I can fast forward it to end of Oct. Damn.

Uncle's discharged today. One thing to be glad about. Sometimes I wish that I can go back to hospital again. I missed the time when he's beside my hospital bed taking care of me. I don't mind going to hospital once again if he's back now. Sigh

95 more days to go. Nose turned sour at this point. Bleh.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Good News

I'm happy today because I got news of him finally. From another of his "fellow". LoL. That guy, whom he said himself as Ah Huat, or Fa Ge. He called and told me that JH requested him to give me a call cos he just came out today lar. To bao ping an. Easy to say means he wants me to know that he's safe and sound.

That Fa Ge told me a news that I've been waiting for long. His release date.

22 Oct 2007

Means it's only 3 more months away. 97 days to be exact.

And as for why I have not receive any letters from him. Simple answer.

He couldn't get any letter papers. Dots.

Omg! Queenstown Prison. You people don't even have a single paper for prisoners to write letters? -.-

I'm asked to write letters to him instead. But hey. So troublesome. Need to indicate this and that. So? I would rather spare the trouble of writing. LOL! -.-

Fa Ge asked me any problems, give him a call. O_O!!

Another guy from those "Black Black" places? Perhaps. But who cares. I'm thankful to him that he passed me this message.

Visited uncle in hospital. He's getting so much better. God bless. Guess he's able to discharge tomorrow. Yay! My cousins will be so glad. And guess what?

Right, me hospital tomorrow at 9am. Shits.

Sleep now lor. What else?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Back To Home

I'm back to my old life once again.

Eat, sleep, online.

-.-

Called HR this morning. She need to discuss with my boss to see how is the arrangement for my work. Oh well. Don't think there will be any good news for me. High chances of getting sack again. She asked me to rest well first and don't think of work. I'm doing it. Oh ya, you believe?

Wanted to visit uncle, but I slept till 5pm. In the end. Oh well. -.-
But seems he's getting a lot better. Maybe I'll go visit him tomorrow! =D

Ate one meal today only. Don't feel like eating. Went out after my late "breakfast" at 7pm. That was the first and only meal I had today. I just nibble nibble a bit like a rabbit.

Went back to my "home". IMM. Joked with the guys at kopitiam. Ah Seng was jealous that I talked to the other two monkeys more. O.O Sorry lar, you busy mar.

Talked with Best Denki's people. My old gang. I missed them lots. And of course not forgetting my old old gang. The Newstead guys. My dai gor, Edmund and kor Brian. Joined them makan talk at Mac after their work. It seems that IMM's outlet wanted to change opening hours from 10am-10pm.

.............................................

Siao. -.-

All of them wanted to transfer. For me. I wanted to transfer here if able to. =D

SIAO! -.-'''

I don't mind it actually. 12 hours a day spend with your close friends, people whom you are "gham" with is better than spending 9 hours with colleagues whom back stabbed you.

I'll see how. Felt better after returning "home".

I miss IMM. =(

Monday, July 16, 2007

Post #670

Post #670

Deleted off my previous post of the current date. Sorry friend. My fault. I shouldn't have said all that. I apologized sincerely.

Actually I should have got more than 670 posts. It happened that my blogger was screwed up two years ago and I recreated it without saving all my archives. Hence ta da. All of my past archives were lost. C knows that. We both feel kind of pity to lose those previous archives.

Read my past archives and found out that almost or more than half of them were unhappy posts. Posts about happy incidents covered up not more than half of my archives. And most happy moments happened when I'm with that guy. I asked myself, am I really happy when I'm with him last time? Maybe I really was. I have no regrets.

But I know that he don't and won't belong to me past or present. So why should I bother thinking and rewinding my brain to the past? Instead what I should do now is step into the future and walk the present. Although the present isn't a smooth pathway. I can easily flick those pebbles away. They are just small pebbles, not gigantic rocks. It's just that did I wish to do so? Or did I don't?

Unhappy day today. Dearest uncle, I mean my real uncle is still in hospital undergoing treatment. I'll just slightly brush today's post off with a few paragraphs of sentences. And that will be all.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

A New Life

Removed the photo of them. Don't feel that much hated towards him actually. Just uncomfortable when I saw the photos they took together. To think that he still can live so happily without any guilty feeling. Maybe I still have not accept the fact that he's not mine, past and present.

Had thought it over. Someone scolded me real awake now. I'll just accept every single thing that happens to me. No matter if it's good or bad. Accept and learn to overcome it. Regarding work, I'll give a call to HR next week and explain to the lady about it. Hopefully I'll be able to re continue work next month once every thing's cleared.

Sorry best friend. I must have caused him lots of troubles. To think he's about to give up on me. The feeling sucks. Even my best friend cannot stand me anymore. I must have been such a pest and burden to others for the past few weeks. Or maybe even past few years. I mustn't and won't give up on myself. I won't allow myself to be look down upon. I must get back up on my feet and prove those who want me down wrong. Beat them down!

Thanks C, sister, my ger, my two meis, SP and Jas and of course not forgetting my dear best friend Jeff for being by my side when ever I need you people. This is a very good lesson in my life for me to learn from. Ex cheat my money and dumped me so what? BF in jail so what? Lost my job so what? Got depression so what? I can overcome all single one of these slowly.

I won't let all those stupid things happened to me again. It's a promise. =)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Mixed emotions

Everyday I wore the necklace he gave me. And slept with the photo we took under my pillow. Just don't feel like removing the necklace off maybe? With the necklace, I feel safe. Just as he's by my side. Perhaps I feel guilty, cos it's partly cos of me that he landed in jail. My fault. Forgive me. I know you had. But I can't forgive myself. Sorry. And people, don't ask me what happened. Thank you.

Saw the picture of SK and Xin on Friendster. Felt speechless. Just don't know what feelings should I used it to describe. Cos it's an mixed emotion. I thought I won't feel anything upon viewing his recent photos. But yet I still feel something. Something that I couldn't describe. They both looked so en ai. It's good. Really good to know that he treats Xin so well. Xin, don't be like me okay?

But, somehow, I still feel hated towards him.

Decided to go back to work tomorrow. I wonder how I'll cope. Take one step at a time. I really don't want to think about anything anymore. My brain is already half dead. I'm tired of this. I just want to live a normal life now. Consider me single now. But confirm not available. Ask me why if you're blur enough not to know.

Currently now I really feel blessed to have caring friends by my side. That's already more than enough to me. I'm not greedy. But if there's another request that I can make. I just hope that he's well now inside there. No more news of him in hospital please.

Bless us

I cut my hair real short. And I mean REAL short. Call me boy boy please. I feel good. Really good. And I slept the days away. Everyday 24 hours. 20 hours on bed. 4 hours online. Not much eat and drink. Just purely sleep. I feel great. So in the end I'm still at home rather than at work. -_-lll

Lastly, vote vote!! http://ch8.mediacorptv.com/heygorgeous/babe.php?uid=667
She's dar sis's god sis. Easy to explain means = my mei also. So VOTE OK!
Thank yew very muchie. =D

Friday, July 13, 2007

A Note

Tonight I went to the places where we both will always rot the night together.
A pinch of sadness. But nothing much too serious.
I guess I've accepted the fact.
All I can do now is just wait for him to be back.
It will be very soon. Time will past.
And I will just wait patiently.
Please bless me and him with speedy recovery of health.


PS: I know the videos and pictures bored lots to death. Removed them. Cos it takes up space as said by some. Happy liao readers? LoL. =)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Stupid 666 Post

My 666the post.

By the time I reached my 777th post. He'll be back, or already soon to be back.

Sorry, I eat back my previous post. LoL.

Tired. Went hospital today. Doctor Melvin said I'm actually better than the previous time. But he wonders why my mood is so down. He asked about him. Asked him to come in the treatment room. And I flared up. Told him want to find him go Queenstown find. x.x

Doctor Melvin's shock. He said this matter must have upset me much. Because he said he can see how much he cares for me when I'm in hospital. Don't talk about him anymore. I feel upset about the stupid 100 days thing. Zzz.

Doctor Meow Melvin asked Prof over. First time I saw physiologist's Prof. Got asked a lot of questions. And given a 2 weeks MC as they think I'm not suitable for work yet. Am advised to rest a few more days at home first. They increased my dose of medication. Making me feel more sleepy than usual. How you expect me to work like this? -_-

Came home and slept the whole day. Online a little. Next week still need to go back for check up. I'm now a TTSH regular. Don't be VIP can already. The charges are damn high. The bills keep mailing to me. Shock and more shock of each bill. Each one is higher than the previous one. Omg lor. I can see my money flying out of my pocket.

As I'm blogging this, Jeff said my blog is always about the same feeling. So tonight will be a bit different. I'm happy happy happy okay?

If you believe.

Bleh.

Wan an.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

What A Life

Fly me high to the sky, I'm missing you in my life.

Sorry. After all these, I need to tell you. I hate you.

Blame me for hating you. It's to make myself feel better. Same as SK. I hate him. That's why I forget about him so soon. And my feelings just became numb. I'm undisturbed by any of his news. I'm sorry I have to hate you. Sky Hoe Jun Hao.

I still teared.

一切都是为了我好。对不起。是我自私。原谅我。

Hospital later. Wonder if I can be back. Or will I end up staying there for a couple of weeks. That's why I ended up typing this kind of post. But when I typed this, I mean it real.

I want to forget.

People said I'm very pitiful. Sorry, but I don't want people to pity me. Or should I say, no. I won't allow people to pity me. I'm not ke lian. But perhaps yes, I'm ke lian. Ke lian mei ren ai.

Leave me alone.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Moodless Mood

Sian. Tired. Don't know what I'm feeling now. Totally numb less. No feeling at all. Restless. Wanted to do something. But don't know what I want or I should do. So end up just stared at my computer for the past few hours after I woke up at evening. Never put any food and drink in my mouth. Just completely stared at my computer. I hope it gets blown up. LoL.

Didn't go work. Don't think my mental condition is suitable for work now. Rest first. Work later. Doctor-ed everyday. Going hospital is like going to my work place like that. Since when hospital become my second home? Luckily it's only hospital. Not IMH. But guess it's quite soon? LoL.

Promised him I'll be good. No depression. But this small little thingy I can't even do it. Am I very useless? Don't want to let him worry about me. Yet this will worried him more since he can't even know how I'm doing now. At most just get some news from the police that I'm not in good health condition. Then he'll worry non stop inside. 100 more days to go. Is it so difficult to pass?

It is.

For me it is very difficult. 3 months plus. It seems like 3 years. One day is just like one week. Why so long? I'm tired already. I can't take it anymore. My mental is already collapsing due to this and work and lots of things. Can't stand it anymore. Nowadays I only talked more to Jeff. Cos I feel others kind of siam-ed me. Maybe they're afraid. Maybe they're busy. I don't know and don't want to know. I only know, thanks Jeff. =)

I feel very moody. Wanted to be alone. Yet feel like calling someone to talk to. Nobody to talk to though. I missed the days when I'm with close terms with woman. We two will be like sisters like that. Everyday stick together at Newstead. Now? You bo chup me, I bo chup you. I don't know why is this happening also. What causes this? J? Or is it even Sky? I don't feel like knowing. If only both of us can be that close again.

I hope all those mc-ing and leave won't cause anyone any problems. I mean at Newstead. Don't want to drag anyone down for lady boss's scolding cos of me. I think I should concentrate on getting recovered first. Like what the doctor said. I can get another job. But I can't get another health. So listen to what my doctor said. Don't want to tio bua by him. LoL.

Sorry to make you people worry. I'm useless I know. Sigh.

Bad times. I hope it pass quickly.

Monday, July 09, 2007

The Memories

Woke up at a very late time. Wonderful feeling. It's been such a long time since I last slept so well. Indeed the hospital medication helps. Planned to go my doctor's there. But suddenly remembered that the previous time it's he who accompany me there. Afraid that my doctor would ask. So in the end I couldn't make up my mind should I or shouldn't I go.

Counted the days. 6 months minus weekends minus a bit of this and that. Another 115 days more before he's finally back. Waiting for his letter. But didn't receive any yet. Disappointed, but won't give up. Will just keep on waiting. Prison is such a bad place. Other than making the prisoner suffer. It lets their close ones suffer with them too.

This does teach me a lesson. Never be so bad tempered. Need to control my temper too. Otherwise it will brings trouble. I want to work. At least time will pass faster when I work. Why did I wanted to go back IMM so much? Not because I'm already used or familiar to the place. It's because there's our memories there. Hope it's IMM this time.

Guess it will be already Tuesday when I get back to work. Perhaps I should go back to IMM for a short visit again. I miss all of them. Just only a few months. All the things changed. From the start where I just know that guy. Till that matter happens. Then I started working. Mixed in well with the Newstead people. After was Low and Kelvin went missing.

From April onwards I was transfered to Best. And I got to know Misah they all. Then he came. And I get to know him. Slowly and slowly we clicked and become good friends. Then slowly more troubles arrived. That guy's problem. How he solved it. And how I got into hospital. How he took care of me. After was his trouble arise. All things within these few months.

I couldn't adapt nor get used to all these changes. If I can change history. How I wish I'm just at last year's July. Where I haven't know him. I would skip knowing him. Then the work stuffs remain. But I'm still staying there. So are Low and Kelvin. Then he joined. I know him. Without the guy's and his own trouble. Guess we will be much more happier now.

But right now? I'm in a mess regarding my personal problem and my job. And he's in there. Nobody for me to talk to. I need to face everything alone as usual. How much I hate this feeling. How I wish that I can change all the bad to the most perfect one. But this is life. And we have to carry on. Suffering now. Maybe it will be sweet after all these. I hope it will.

115 more days. Take care please. I miss you.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Live Well

Today a lot of things happened. I don't know if it's a dream or not. I hope it is. But they seems too real to be dreams. Tired of all these. When can all these end?

Woke up with difficulty breathing. Thought it's my asthma again. Inhaler no more. So went pharmacy to buy. Cannot buy without doctor's letter. So get some medicine to eat instead. After the medication. Die. Hands keep trembling non stop. Had already reached my work place when all these happened. Mum accompany me there today. So Joyce jie asked me to go back with my mum.

Then the story starts. I went TTSH, again, to seek treatment. Got admitted into hospital. Said I'm suffering from serious depression. Afraid that I might kill myself. Asked me go IMH or stay in TTSH. Die die don't want both. After observation there for 4 hours. I won the war. Lucky me. Nearly die another time again.

A lot of things happened in hospital. One nurse told me he looked after me during my last"visit". He's very nice. Asked me to take real care. Cos he don't want to see me again next month. Choy! Touchwood! I promised it won't happen again.

Then after my discharge, went to find Jeff for dinner back at Funan. Find Joyce jie first. She told me that I don't have to go work for a couple of days. Cos she'll rearrange my work location for me. It seems that I'm facing a lot of stress at L3A there. And I admit I'm. So in the end. I got to rest for a few days. Using these few days to concentrate in getting well.

Jeff and me went makan-ing at Raffles. Ate BK. Bumped into Junhao and his GF there. His GF really chio. Such coincidence to bump into him at such a far place. Chatted a while. And he asked, who am I with? Friend? Guy de? Ya? Cos I'm with Jeff. Very common ma PJH. LoL. Then we went separate ways lo. "Shopping" with Jeff for awhile. Home-ed soon. Cos I'm tired.

Alighted from the bus and took a seat at me and his old place. Downstairs opposite my block. Thought of him. Smile across my face. I miss him. 3 more plus months and he'll be back. Jeff asked me to live for others instead of myself to make myself strong. Live for him maybe? Cos I don't want him worry for me anymore when he's back. I need to be strong. I need to built up my confidence. I need to be the old RongFang. Where I won't be beaten down by anything. That's right.

Today's just like a dream isn't it? So dramatic. I wish it's just a dream.

Live well for him.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

A Nonsense One

Sjb sjb sjb!!! Si JeffQiu!! Asked me to go online, online, online! You nb you go koon. You good! You win! You tmd de smelly chicken egg! You're such a bbf! Bad bf! Bad best friend! You eee diot!

Zzz. Sorry. Bad mood today. Used someone who accidentally stepped on my "tail" to scold scold awhile. Felt better. Sibei du lan. My post tonight will be full of rubbish. Kindly ignore me this siao lang. Thank you.

I fucking more and more hate my job. Although my two supervisors didn't give me any stress. I mean it ok? They're really good. But I'm giving myself stress. Some more Julian kor came and visit me today. STRESS! Plus uncle the boss wanted to give me gave extra "monster training". I just want to say, SPARE ME PLEASE! Thank you very de muchie!

COL at Newstead L3A my showroom today. Cry out loud la get it? Made my two supervisors gan jiong. Today whole day everything soon soon (<--hokkien) me. I really can't take it anymore. Very stress. Played with the computer today. Kay poh-ed other Newstead peeps code. I anyhow type then the name pop out. First one. Sky Hoe Jun Hao. Got so coincidence meh? Maybe is fate ba? =)

Second one I typed. Nb is that stupid Kelvin Chua C Y. Wa lao eh. -_-lll Why their codes never kena destroyed one? Saw low's kor one also. Omg. I missed them so much. I swear I'm going to stay tough at Newstead and learn all the things I can! Got my uniform today. I love the colour. White. Very nice.

All the L3A staffs bfs/gfs came and fetch them back from work. Only me lonely lonely home back alone. Suddenly I miss him coming to fetch me everyday from IMM. Last time I told him. "WEI! You everyday come, never work here le still come. You not sian, I see you also sian. Can give me some time listening mp3 alone go back home not?"

Now? I miss him fetching me home. Last time I really sheng zai fu zhong bu zhi fu. =(

Bleh. Don't think anymore. I need my 8 hours of beauty sleep. Time to meet Mr Zhou.

Friday, July 06, 2007

First Day Of Work

My 660th post. Another 6 more to go to 666! Luck luck luck ah! =D

Alright. I'm bored. First day of work at Newstead Funan. Just back from work not long ago. Yup. Time to knock off is at 8pm. Yet I knocked off at 10 plus pm. So "hardworking" yea? -_- As if. Cos I waited for my supervisor to tompang me cab home. She lives in BP too. So shun bian dilly dally some time away at Funan. Don't really want to go home that early.

First day of work is bad, tired and sux like hell. Had a lot of new things that I need to learn. Very different from Newstead IMM. I can't manage to get used to it. Some more it's been quite some time since I last worked in Newstead. And I'm doing all the admin work now instead of sales. Tough to learn. But I won't give up that easily. Don't want to disappoint uncle whom is my big boss.

Uncle came today! I happy happy! So long since I last saw him. Went a little "mad" upon seeing him. The other staffs and my supervisor and asst supervisor went like O_O!?! Yeah. I know uncle quite well. Nothing surprising right? In fact I know quite a lot of Newstead staffs. That's why I said it's like my home. But the others seems to think that I got in through "connection" and "relationship". Cos uncle asked them to treat me well and give me chances to learn. Sometimes I really think if it's a good thing to come Newstead. I know I need to prove myself to let all these drift off.

I've got a very nice lady supervisor Joyce and asst supervisor Eric. Such a coincidence. I was just browsing through the other Newstead's staffs de Friendster and saw Eric. Chance upon his profile cos he looked quite like Jimmy. So caught my attention. Imagine seeing the real person today. I went like O_O!! Got so zhun meh?

Still, it's quite an interesting day. I need to buck up! Buck up woman! Buck up! I need to prove myself worth in Newstead. I can do it! I got to learn all the admin stuffs within 1 week! Yes! Jia you! Don't worry though. I won't give myself too much stress. I won't let myself collapse. Cos I know he'll support me even though he's not by my side now.

I teared upon blogging about him.

If only he's here to fetch me home...
I'm dreaming again...
Hahaha...

I feel sweet sweet and bitter bitter. Hen xin ku.

4 more months to go... I miss you...

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Birthday Celebration

Can't sleep. Just got back home from Partyworld Jeff's birthday celebration. It was a crazy night. With fun and laughters plus interesting peeps there. We "caught" Zenn and Cedric. And Cedric "caught" Kelvin aka fei mao aka fei fei from Sim Lim to join us. One good thing. I'm mixing in well with Newstead people.

First impression on Cedric. He's a stern looking guy who won't joke. But tonight, omg. He can joked like hell when Jeff and Kelvin's here. And he gave me some da dao li. Taught me a lot on how to think. Felt better after listening to him. Cedric's right. I can't let him and his matter affect my work life. So? I'll go to work later after sleeping for a couple of hours. Thanks da kor kor. I'm so glad to have know you and have your GF Zenn for company.

Don't really know how to describe the crazy yet interesting night. My mood was quite dull at the beginning. But after Jeff's celebration with the before and after 2 cakes thingy. I was feeling better and laughing like hell. Can joined in all of them and joked and laughed quite a bit. Thanks for the concern my dear bf. I feel bad for making him worry about me on his birthday. Bad friend I am right? But oh dear, I'll be seeing him everyday from tomorrow onwards. Hope I can "get used" to it. Can't imagine. -_-

Anyways, photos to share. An advice, please leave my blog immediately if your heart is weak or you'll feel faint after viewing some erm, horrible and terrible torturing photos. Yeah, right. Cos someone got smash cake right deep down his face. Do "enjoy" the photos. =) I'm off to bed. Work later. Hope it will be a good start. I'm praying.










You know I miss you, you know I do, and I did.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Best And The Worst

The best and the worst strikes today. Because he got sentence today. And I got my job. Is like wth right? Two totally different things can happened in one day. Some more less than 4 hours I need to cope with sadness and happiness.

He got sentenced 6 months and 6 canes. But guess the strokes can't harm him. Because his weight is less than 38kg now. Lesser than me. Heart pain. I guess his mum and everybody feels the same too. 6 months means he can be released around end of Oct. Wonder how I can cope during these few months. Luckily I got a job now. ^_^

We talked a lot today. The police so damn nice to let us chat. LoL. Feel like crying lo. But controlled myself. Besides I don't want to make him more upset. 6 months minus weekends very easy to pass one. I'll be able to see him soon. This is a good time for him to learn his lesson. Hope he realize his mistakes.

Felt glad yet upset. Xin li ku ku de. I feel bitterish. Tonight celebrating Jeff's birthday. I need to keep myself happy. Mustn't let my close friends worry about me anymore. Enjoy myself well this one night. Tomorrow it's time for a fresh new job. NEWSTEAD here I come! Happy happy happy! I got into Newstead. YAY! =D

Funan Newstead that is. Same place with Jeff. Same level some more. =.= So "lucky" of me. LoL. I'll be working at their Funan new store selling lappies and doing admin work. Which means admin cum sales 2 in 1 bao gao liao. Starting pay although is less than my previous job. I'm sure I'll have a chance to prove myself at Newstead. I'll do the best that I can.

My aim! Make some results in less than 3 months. Prove myself worth. Done everyone proud. I need to put my eyesight far and aim high. So that when he's able to be with me in a few months time. At least I won't let him worry for me every time. I'll accept anything that comes. I don't think I can't manage to solve it. I can do it! Yes I can!

JIA YOU! =D

I miss you. Take good care of yourself k? =)

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The Best Or The Worst

Went out with fairy godfather at night. He droved me to makan mac and blow the reservoir wind? No beach wind, reservoir wind also not that bad? LoL.
No no no, Jeff, not you. You're fairy lao ah pek remember? =P
Not going to disclose who is this Mr Mysterious fairy godfather. Guess it if you're able to.

Very comfortable feeling to go out with people senior than me. I can share out all my thoughts and get back some good advices. Normally when I go out with people younger than me, I need to take care of them. I enjoyed being take care of. Disliked being the elder every time. It's a tiring feel. I know I'm blessed and loved. By so many of my dearies friends. Compare to the others, I'm fortune. Very indeed.

Tomorrow's the day. Or should I say later? Uncle's driving me and Zhen over to the sub court. Phoned uncle and told him about it. Thanks uncle for offering to drive us there. But he's afraid that I'll faint or cry there. Nope! I can confirm plus chop stamp that I won't. I'm a strong person! I can stand any tough outcomes.
If you believe? -_-

Hopefully not the 3-6 sentence. 3 years plus 6 canes. I rather hope for the $2000 sentence. But I've got a bad feeling. Something very bad. Had already prepared for the worst but hope for the best. I won't collapse. It's a promise from me to you. =)

Interview later after the sentence. I hope my mood won't be that badly affected. Normally I don't mix work stuff with personal matters. Hopefully it's the same for this time round. I need a chance to prove myself. And am sure I can do it. Admin or sales is up to the boss. I'll take up anything if I get a chance.

Jeff's birthday celebration after the interview. What a busy day. Birthday boy's the king today. What can I say? I'm just a follower. LoL. Hope the programs planned for him suits him. I'm not going to disclose anything here first. You'll get the surprise soon. Simple yet nice. You treat me well. I'll treat you well x 2.

To my dear bf,

Happy Birthday.

=)

Hope for the best. Prepared for the worst.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Your Post

Forget to blog last night. Was on the phone with Jeff ''Kor Kor''. Till I almost dozed off. Got shoot arrows till I nearly died. And he want a post about him today. So yeah. I'll blog one long long post about how bad he is. See? I'm good. Yeah! I know I am! =)

JEFFQIU SUX!

Okay. That's a joke. -_-

He doesn't sux. He just sux like hell. LoL. Kidding.

He's nice. Really. Oh? You believe it? =)

Hahaha. Enough of it. Planned to meet him today. But think I'll fly him plane later. Too tired and lazy to go out. But I feel bad lah. Actually intend to help him pre celebrate him birthday. Which falls on tomorrow. Which is a day I hate. Zzz. Why such a coincidence?

Anyway. Happy Birthday Jeff ''Kor Kor''!
In advance.

Interesting conversation yesterday night. We talked about why friends around us thought that he likes me. Come on. I rather bang the wall and die if this kind of misfortune falls on me. LOL! Joking lah. -_-

He said because I don't know how to take care of myself and needs a friend to nag me. And he suay suay got the job. LoL. Yeah right. I really don't know how to take care of myself and don't have the eyes to see who is wrong and who is right. Yeah, that's what that person told me also. I'll remember it forever. Thanks that person for the advice. =)

I got the job of finding Jeff "Kor Kor" a GF aka my da sao. I guess this is then the most suayEST job a person could have get. LOL!

Lelong lelong! Single ladies out there. A guy by the name of JeffQiu, aged 22, is looking for a GF. Those interested please leave down your contact no. We'll get back to you asap. =)

=P =P =P LaLaLas~

Weird post today I know. I'm kinda weird today. I mean these few days. Esp when tomorrow is approaching in less than 24 hours. I'm having the jitters now. Hope it won't be as bad as we don't want it to be? Yeah right. Hopefully.

PS: Julian Kor called! I'm asked to go interview at Newstead's HR Miss Lemon there. But should be working at Funan. Jeff "Kor Kor", you happy liao? I'm happy! Happy happy happy! =D
Happy because I can go for interview. Happy because Mindy there I'm okay le. Not because I'm working at Funan. -_-

You'll be fine won't you? You've promised me. If you break promise you're a tortoise! =P

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Boring Weekend

July le. So fast. Sigh.

Been a boring day today. Forget to blog this out yesterday. It's a fun day. Esp at night. Ki siao-ing with Jeff and Zenn they all. Jeff said we're going Hotel 81 after supper. And oh my fish Zenn believed it. LOL! She better don't go and tell him. Otherwise I'll die horribly. But of course Jeff and me didn't go anywhere after supper. Only ghosts will believe we'll going Hotel 81. Zzz.

Stayed at home though it's weekend and online. Discovered that person's still peeping at my Friendster. Maybe he's still peeping at my blog sometimes. I guess you'll know who you are. So HI! You know I hate to mention your name. I hate to know you're still peeping at my blog. So you better don't. Else I'll slap you with a smelly sock.

Normally I'll hate and love weekends. Because it will be the busiest day of the week. I hate to be busy. But I love to earn the commission on busy day esp weekends and public holidays. $_$
Now? Weekends = Rot at home day.

I really can't get used to now. Already used to work everyday. Asked me to free free shake leg at home now I really can't stand it. I can't stand being jobless anymore! Can any of the companies call me for interview or at least give me some news? I'm dying from waiting. Had thrown in so many interview letters and forms. Yet none have a good news for me. Am I suppose to continue waiting?

Wanted to watch finish my vcds which normally I don't have the time to do so. Now I'm too free. Yet in no mood to chiong shows. Slept till late noon everyday. Ate and online for almost the whole day. 1 meal per day is my serving now. Don't have the appetite to eat. Worried about him and myself. Yet I don't know why I've grown more flesh. Zzz.

Friendster's horoscope is really very hit on the nail. Zun si le. For mine is. For others I'm not too sure. Maybe you can have a read at it. Perhaps it will give you some advice. For me it did. Eg today's one.

You need to go your own way.
Plow your own path today.
Use your original mind.


I can't go my own way. Because I always listened to others.
I can't plow my own path. Because others will do that for me.
I didn't use my original mind. Because I always can't make up my mind.

So true. I'm going to read it everyday. Hope it helps me a little.

A very nice Winamp skin to share. It looks exactly like Windows Media Player 11. So vista look. So cool. Yet it's a Winamp! And it works the same way as Winamp. The buttons stays the same for this skin. Some doesn't. That's why I hate to use downloaded Winamp skins. But I'm loving this. =D



I hate this life I'm leading now. How I wished he's here to walk this path with me. I hate to be alone.