dear Jianlong,
7:30am in the morning now. I still can't sleep. chiong dramas and drink daily. making sure I'm not sober daily. if not my pain increases. I really wonder when can I wake up from all these?
today went to watch movie. bought couple seat. people around me thought I'm too rich or siao. actually im just trying to find back the familiar feeling. at least that make me feel better. at least I can imagine you're beside me hugging me. I still can imagine all these till the cinema lights turn on right?
trying my best to message you lesser. but do you know I type a lot of wa to you. just that I don't dare to send them out. instead I print screen and let whatever I wanna tell you become pictures of memories. afraid you will block me if I wa you too much. cos thru wa I still can see your active time. I still can feel you are close to me.
you are still close to me right? just let me imagine a little while jiu hao ler.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
dear jianlong,
finally after so many days of waiting. you called me at near 12mn. talked about 30 mins. i told myself rf don't cry when you hear his voice ok. ended up when i started talking and you started telling me stuffs. i cried again. bah! super crybaby right? i can hear you are living well without me now. enjoying your life.
i can't blame anyone except myself for this broken relationship. sometimes when things are meant to be simple. keep it simple. i don't understand why must i complicate things up? ended up i suffer. if only things never happen. if only i know how to think. i know, kinda useless to talk about all these and if only stuffs now. but i know I'll feel better if i type all these nonsense out. at least it's a good life experience for me.
when the chance is there. grab it! why must i always shove it away and end up regretting in the future? makes no sense right? I'm the one who made the choice myself. but do you know sometimes your brain and heart don't think the same thing? they don't move at the same rate. mine is always slow. then when I know how to think? too late already! all of you don't believe me at all. none of you.
this will be my 遗憾. you will always be my 遗憾. this kind of things nobody can help me at all. not even you. 错到不能再错了才想要回头 太迟了吧? people around me had already leave me one by one. leaving me by myself all alone again. when someone reach for my hand and wanted to help me stand. i pushed them all away. so why do i deserve the help from you people now?
RF STAND UP BY YOURSELF.
DON'T BE AN IDIOT.
YOU FELL AND YOU DESERVE IT.
NOBODY WILL PITY YOU.
DON'T STAND? CAN!
LET PEOPLE CONTINUE LAUGHING.
YOU'RE A FAILURE FROM HEARD TO TOE.
finally after so many days of waiting. you called me at near 12mn. talked about 30 mins. i told myself rf don't cry when you hear his voice ok. ended up when i started talking and you started telling me stuffs. i cried again. bah! super crybaby right? i can hear you are living well without me now. enjoying your life.
i can't blame anyone except myself for this broken relationship. sometimes when things are meant to be simple. keep it simple. i don't understand why must i complicate things up? ended up i suffer. if only things never happen. if only i know how to think. i know, kinda useless to talk about all these and if only stuffs now. but i know I'll feel better if i type all these nonsense out. at least it's a good life experience for me.
when the chance is there. grab it! why must i always shove it away and end up regretting in the future? makes no sense right? I'm the one who made the choice myself. but do you know sometimes your brain and heart don't think the same thing? they don't move at the same rate. mine is always slow. then when I know how to think? too late already! all of you don't believe me at all. none of you.
this will be my 遗憾. you will always be my 遗憾. this kind of things nobody can help me at all. not even you. 错到不能再错了才想要回头 太迟了吧? people around me had already leave me one by one. leaving me by myself all alone again. when someone reach for my hand and wanted to help me stand. i pushed them all away. so why do i deserve the help from you people now?
RF STAND UP BY YOURSELF.
DON'T BE AN IDIOT.
YOU FELL AND YOU DESERVE IT.
NOBODY WILL PITY YOU.
DON'T STAND? CAN!
LET PEOPLE CONTINUE LAUGHING.
YOU'RE A FAILURE FROM HEARD TO TOE.
Friday, June 22, 2012
dear jianlong,
the 22nd day. i cried for 22 days. tears still coming out and say hi to me every night. yesterday 4am darling sister called me. was asked to take a step forward to make some changes in life. i don't dare. it's not because i'm afraid of changes. it's because if i change, you will be sure forgotten. i don't want to forget you. i can't bring myself to forget you. you told me you will stop replying if i still continue to contact you. so that im able to forget you. let me tell you. whoever that says time heals is all bullshits. if you don't want to forget, no matter how much times doesn't helps.
i'm controlling myself so hard today. manged not to contact you for a day. but i feel so terrible in my heart. i hate myself. the once perfect relationship why must i ruin it myself? to think i tell people and you that i treasured it. pui! all bullshits. if i know how to treasure you won't be gone now. why does humans regret when you lost it?
among all the relationships you are the one who i love most. yet hurt most. but do you know hurting you hurts me too? sometimes there's really no choice in life. you have to do it. even if you know it hurts you. i'm sorry for making you leave the company. but i don't regret what i did. i'm sure you will feel more worse if you're still there.
people around me trying to cheer me up. comfort me. but all this doesn't help. i know you really hate to talk to me again. but do you know how much i pin for your calls daily? just a short talk asking me how am i will do. but why is it mission impossible? i really hope to hear you telling me to jiayou. i miss your encouragement. why must i push you away when you're there for me? how much my heart hurts now.
just let me continue life this way.
继续沦落下去
at least i feel better.....
the 22nd day. i cried for 22 days. tears still coming out and say hi to me every night. yesterday 4am darling sister called me. was asked to take a step forward to make some changes in life. i don't dare. it's not because i'm afraid of changes. it's because if i change, you will be sure forgotten. i don't want to forget you. i can't bring myself to forget you. you told me you will stop replying if i still continue to contact you. so that im able to forget you. let me tell you. whoever that says time heals is all bullshits. if you don't want to forget, no matter how much times doesn't helps.
i'm controlling myself so hard today. manged not to contact you for a day. but i feel so terrible in my heart. i hate myself. the once perfect relationship why must i ruin it myself? to think i tell people and you that i treasured it. pui! all bullshits. if i know how to treasure you won't be gone now. why does humans regret when you lost it?
among all the relationships you are the one who i love most. yet hurt most. but do you know hurting you hurts me too? sometimes there's really no choice in life. you have to do it. even if you know it hurts you. i'm sorry for making you leave the company. but i don't regret what i did. i'm sure you will feel more worse if you're still there.
people around me trying to cheer me up. comfort me. but all this doesn't help. i know you really hate to talk to me again. but do you know how much i pin for your calls daily? just a short talk asking me how am i will do. but why is it mission impossible? i really hope to hear you telling me to jiayou. i miss your encouragement. why must i push you away when you're there for me? how much my heart hurts now.
just let me continue life this way.
继续沦落下去
at least i feel better.....
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
dear jianlong,
just spent a few hours reading my fb timeline archives. there's so many of our memories inside. including our 暧昧 period. u would accompany me almost every mon. hence then's when people around us started to talk about us. about me and mei snatching the same guy. i rmb ken di siao us most. i poured alot of my feelings to him also. including how i still have feelings for J yet started to feel weird for u etc. we always smoke and talk about it. he told me 是你的就是你的.. yes 最后是我的了 but i dunno how to treasure and let u slip away.
when we got together, u did more and more for me. buying me stuffs i like. bringing me to places where i never go or go eat before. bring me to the doctor even when it's your off days. and the most 伟大 thing. covering almost all my shifts for me. u were so shag yet did not complain. yet i dunno how to 感激. and always made those unreasonable requests or comments. i'm sorry. i'm such an as*hole girlfriend. i'm sorry 你辛苦了. for tahan me so long. 我知道人也是有忍耐限度的. i guess that's when your feelings for me started to fade.
i don't even know i have 狂躁病 until the doctor told me today. i will keep going for counseling and all. i want to make myself well asap. i need to get a job fast. i need to stop let people around me worry about me. i won' t use those childish acts to make u pity me and come back. instead i will use my hard work and 真心 to try and win u back. i will let u see i really have change for the better. 陈建龙 我要再追求你一次! 等我! please don't forget the 五只seahorses.
为了自己!! 为了身边的人更好!! 加油 陈溶芳!!!
just spent a few hours reading my fb timeline archives. there's so many of our memories inside. including our 暧昧 period. u would accompany me almost every mon. hence then's when people around us started to talk about us. about me and mei snatching the same guy. i rmb ken di siao us most. i poured alot of my feelings to him also. including how i still have feelings for J yet started to feel weird for u etc. we always smoke and talk about it. he told me 是你的就是你的.. yes 最后是我的了 but i dunno how to treasure and let u slip away.
when we got together, u did more and more for me. buying me stuffs i like. bringing me to places where i never go or go eat before. bring me to the doctor even when it's your off days. and the most 伟大 thing. covering almost all my shifts for me. u were so shag yet did not complain. yet i dunno how to 感激. and always made those unreasonable requests or comments. i'm sorry. i'm such an as*hole girlfriend. i'm sorry 你辛苦了. for tahan me so long. 我知道人也是有忍耐限度的. i guess that's when your feelings for me started to fade.
i don't even know i have 狂躁病 until the doctor told me today. i will keep going for counseling and all. i want to make myself well asap. i need to get a job fast. i need to stop let people around me worry about me. i won' t use those childish acts to make u pity me and come back. instead i will use my hard work and 真心 to try and win u back. i will let u see i really have change for the better. 陈建龙 我要再追求你一次! 等我! please don't forget the 五只seahorses.
为了自己!! 为了身边的人更好!! 加油 陈溶芳!!!
Monday, June 18, 2012
dear jianlong,
so many days ler. i haven brace myself up. my messages to u are getting lesser. maybe it's because i've shifted u into a side of my heart. i know i should not spend time and effort hoping u will come back. but it's really not easy to let go of someone who is with me everyday suddenly. memories keep flowing back in me. we had too much memories together. how i wish to print screen them from my mind and save them to my pc.
i remembered watching perfect match last time. i was filled with jealousy. but now when i re watched it. i was filled with pain. i know u are happier without me and i should let u go. but why must either one of us suffer in the relationship or aftermaths? if only there's a block and delete function in me. i did and really tired forgetting u. but i keep failing. u will come back to my mind no matter what.
u asked me what is important in my life? can i say it's u? sorry, i forgot. there's no more chances left. all were used up by me myself and i. i couldn't blame anyone. tried to shift my attention to my ex instead. but u know what? the feeling is so different that i wonder do i even like them last time? why the feelings towards u and them are so different? well, ended up this idea failed. and i lost another friend.
my friends left me one by one. my parents gave up hope on me. even my doctor was left speechless. all he did was to tell me to relax. hey! i'm relaxing! i only want to brace up now. do u understand? i feel myself a disgrace to everyone around me. my childhood was bad enough. now adult is not any better. i envy people with good life. i really don't know what i can do. the motivation is just now there anymore.
help me to brace up.
i can't fall again.
i need you.
so many days ler. i haven brace myself up. my messages to u are getting lesser. maybe it's because i've shifted u into a side of my heart. i know i should not spend time and effort hoping u will come back. but it's really not easy to let go of someone who is with me everyday suddenly. memories keep flowing back in me. we had too much memories together. how i wish to print screen them from my mind and save them to my pc.
i remembered watching perfect match last time. i was filled with jealousy. but now when i re watched it. i was filled with pain. i know u are happier without me and i should let u go. but why must either one of us suffer in the relationship or aftermaths? if only there's a block and delete function in me. i did and really tired forgetting u. but i keep failing. u will come back to my mind no matter what.
u asked me what is important in my life? can i say it's u? sorry, i forgot. there's no more chances left. all were used up by me myself and i. i couldn't blame anyone. tried to shift my attention to my ex instead. but u know what? the feeling is so different that i wonder do i even like them last time? why the feelings towards u and them are so different? well, ended up this idea failed. and i lost another friend.
my friends left me one by one. my parents gave up hope on me. even my doctor was left speechless. all he did was to tell me to relax. hey! i'm relaxing! i only want to brace up now. do u understand? i feel myself a disgrace to everyone around me. my childhood was bad enough. now adult is not any better. i envy people with good life. i really don't know what i can do. the motivation is just now there anymore.
help me to brace up.
i can't fall again.
i need you.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
dear jianlong,
i'm sorry i broke my promise. i blogged to you again. these few days were slightly better. daytime keep praying to god and telling them i wanna be a better person. but when night comes, my tears very funny one, dropped automatically one. the clothes u left at my house still have your smell. i remembered hugging you and with this familiar smell then i can sleep well. but now i don't dare. what if i keep exposing it to air later your smell gone? 好温暖的味道.. mummy wants to throw. i secretly kept them.
我真的好想你.. 怎么办?? i want to forget you too. i tried. i really tired my best. but you still came back. both mind and heart. a guy who is almost with me daily for 1 year. it's really not easy to forget. i keep praying. pray that you will at least give me a message or call. this evening i finally saw you online at wa. you told me. we don't have anything to talk to each other already. you don't have time to entertain me. my heart pain. pain! pain! pain! why did you become so 陌生?
mummy saw me praying and asked me why am i so 痴情 this time. i couldn't answer her. you are not my longest relationship. i don't totally depend on you too. i think i must be possessed. or you must be the best. or i really must have put in a lot of efforts and feelings for you. my other ex tried to change me. i simply just told them to f off. but for you. i did tried. but i keep failing. i don't know why the more i fear and wanted to do better the more i'll fail. and yes i'm sorry for those harsh words. they made you leave me.
i asked myself how long do i need to nurse my wounds?
dear i'm sorry. i know you don't want me to apologize anymore. but i need to do it. at least they made me feel a little better. i'll write a million sorry. i hope by then i can forget you and you won't so 讨厌 me already.
i'm sorry i broke my promise. i blogged to you again. these few days were slightly better. daytime keep praying to god and telling them i wanna be a better person. but when night comes, my tears very funny one, dropped automatically one. the clothes u left at my house still have your smell. i remembered hugging you and with this familiar smell then i can sleep well. but now i don't dare. what if i keep exposing it to air later your smell gone? 好温暖的味道.. mummy wants to throw. i secretly kept them.
我真的好想你.. 怎么办?? i want to forget you too. i tried. i really tired my best. but you still came back. both mind and heart. a guy who is almost with me daily for 1 year. it's really not easy to forget. i keep praying. pray that you will at least give me a message or call. this evening i finally saw you online at wa. you told me. we don't have anything to talk to each other already. you don't have time to entertain me. my heart pain. pain! pain! pain! why did you become so 陌生?
mummy saw me praying and asked me why am i so 痴情 this time. i couldn't answer her. you are not my longest relationship. i don't totally depend on you too. i think i must be possessed. or you must be the best. or i really must have put in a lot of efforts and feelings for you. my other ex tried to change me. i simply just told them to f off. but for you. i did tried. but i keep failing. i don't know why the more i fear and wanted to do better the more i'll fail. and yes i'm sorry for those harsh words. they made you leave me.
i asked myself how long do i need to nurse my wounds?
dear i'm sorry. i know you don't want me to apologize anymore. but i need to do it. at least they made me feel a little better. i'll write a million sorry. i hope by then i can forget you and you won't so 讨厌 me already.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
dear jianlong,
when this post is scheduled out. guess I'm gone. I'm sorry for making this sudden decision. I have no choice left. I already know my days are dead when u left me. that's why I keep on holding on to u.
I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help lah. the hurt is there. no way can I bring things back. I know u already forgave me. but the thing is I can't forgive myself. what have I done to u? the guy I love most? I hurt him!
I know even a million sorry won't bring us back. we are impossible. and I hate myself for that. I made the guy who loves me from disappointed to totally gave up.
I know I don't know how to treasure the chances given. I told u before. 3 chances max. yet I don't know how to make use of it. in fact making each time more worse.
I know whatever I said now is useless. unless I can turn back time and redo all. u think what? I have doraemon time machine? that's why I give up too. if holding on makes u so tong ku, I rather give up. u are the man I love. yet why did I do all those to make u so upset? I blame myself. I hate myself. but? so? sorry no cure lah!
what do I deserve to say I love u when I did so much to hurt u and your love ones? but please allow me to love u silently. I'll just place u in a part of my heart. when I'm back I hope I have the courage to say I love u Jianlong. please wait for me.
when this post is scheduled out. guess I'm gone. I'm sorry for making this sudden decision. I have no choice left. I already know my days are dead when u left me. that's why I keep on holding on to u.
I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help lah. the hurt is there. no way can I bring things back. I know u already forgave me. but the thing is I can't forgive myself. what have I done to u? the guy I love most? I hurt him!
I know even a million sorry won't bring us back. we are impossible. and I hate myself for that. I made the guy who loves me from disappointed to totally gave up.
I know I don't know how to treasure the chances given. I told u before. 3 chances max. yet I don't know how to make use of it. in fact making each time more worse.
I know whatever I said now is useless. unless I can turn back time and redo all. u think what? I have doraemon time machine? that's why I give up too. if holding on makes u so tong ku, I rather give up. u are the man I love. yet why did I do all those to make u so upset? I blame myself. I hate myself. but? so? sorry no cure lah!
what do I deserve to say I love u when I did so much to hurt u and your love ones? but please allow me to love u silently. I'll just place u in a part of my heart. when I'm back I hope I have the courage to say I love u Jianlong. please wait for me.
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