Suddenly had the urge to blog at this time. This will be my last post. After that I'll be resting for quite long. Don't bother to ask me what's wrong or where I am. I'm fine, just tired. I can sense depression coming close to me. So that's why I need a break. Just wanted to be alone and sort out my thinkings.
Recently I keep having nightmares. Nightmares of my childhood, my school days. I will wake up in cold sweat with those pictures of the past pestering me. Hence I've decided to blog it out. Maybe I will feel better. This is the incident that huant me for around 10 years. Story of my school days. Guess not many of my old classmates come visit my blog. So I guess that will be alrite to blog it out. This is the hidden truth.
School days in ZHPS isn't very well for me. In fact, it's bad. And I hate it. My future is ruined there. Primary 1 and 2 were still not bad. School grades are well. With a strict form teacher Mrs Choy, who dares to be lazy and keep having MC? But starting from primary 3, life started to be in a mess.
I'm posted to the best class which is A class with a couple of my classmates. Life was stressing there. As the best class, I try to do the best too. I'll try to get the best grades. But with this weak health of mine that I had to absent from school all times, my grades were way too different from my lower primary days. Primary 4's streaming was stressful for me too. Luckily I got a wonderful teacher Miss Fauziah. She taught me alot. So at least I still can make it to EM1's A class in primary 5. But mom choose EM2 for me, afraid I might be too stressful. So my life changed totally.
But I'm really glad that mom choose EM2 for me that allowed me to go into 5D. My dear class. Best class I had in my school days. Those classmates are friendly and heartwarming. Unlike those proud classmates of EM1. So I don't have many friends in my previous class. But this was not, the whole class are my friends. I've got a great teacher too. A male teacher, Mr Chia. Who understands me and my problems well.
I thought I would continue the joy in Class 6D soon after. But no, it's not. My nightmare continued. Huanting me non stop for all these years. I began to proceed to 6D. I collasped totally of my bad health. I was asked to stop school for a year.
As if you believed I was asked to, instead nobody knows I'm forced to rest for one year by our Mr Principal saying I'll burden the school if I'm not.
So that's the end of my dear class. We were sepreated. My dear classmates sent lots of letters to me. Telling me how they were and they missed me. Evny is what I can do. What else? I can't join in the joy and fun with them anymore. I'm really very grateful to them for not treating me like an alien since I'm not from the same class with them previously.
Waited and waited, till my classmates completed their primary studies and continued to secondary. At last, I'm back in school. With totally strangers. Just as what happened when I'm in Primary 5. This time, I never received warm welcome from my new classmates, instead fear came. My worst nightmare ever.
I'm still in 6D. But it's one year after. The surroundings are still the same. But not the people. Arrived in my new class with our Vice Principal Mrs Kanan. She introduced me to my new classmates and form teacher Mdm Niwarni. My new teacher is a kind young malay lady. But not my class. I just got a few ''hello''s from them when I said hi.
The teacher let me sit with a guy. Junhao! I only remembered people who treated me well. He's nice. At least he chatted with me. So after that, got introduced to more friends by him. Qiuhui and Xuefang etc. Getting better and better. Was posted to a chinese class and the teacher is Mdm Lim. My dear teacher of Primary 2 who understands and treats me real well.
All was still fine till one day. I wonder who spread and leak out that I'm one year senior then them. Which makes them I'm a retained student and still can be in EM2 instead of EM3. Then some classmates changed their views of me. Suddenly, they become very fake. And drifted from me.
Got bullied by a guy, 2 of them in fact, real terribly. Was being scolded, cursed, abused and they keep saying I lick my teacher's boots. That's why the teachers like me. Got locked in the class cupboard and toilet before by them too. I guess not many know that right? I really suffer hell that year. Complains were useless.
Lastly, I made up with one of the bullier. He's treating me better after he understands what's going on with me. But not the other one. I was still hurled abuse at. I kept quiet and torelate. I had to complete my Primary studies! So I was forcing myself hard everyday. But being keep absenting, my grades still dropped.
Finally Prelims came. I scored quite well. Around 240++. And choose BPGH as my first choice. I wanted to make it to that secondary school. So I was forcing myself more and more. Putting stress on my head. Friends advised me to relax but no! I can't allow myself to be retained.
Till the day for PSLE. Guess I stressed myself too hard. I fell ill on that day. Junhao, Irene, Qiuhui and Xuefang were encouraging me to hang on and go for it. Hence I gave it a try and completed the english paper.
Next day was maths paper and I've not fully recovered yet. Mom called the principal up and asked him what to do. He advised me to rest at home. Saying he will request to the MOE for a retake of all the following subjects. Thinking it will be better. I agreed.
It was then I discovered that it's all fake. He didn't went to request to the MOE. Instead he asked my mom over and said that I'm a burden to his school, it will be best if I withdraw from school and rest at home. This way will do both side of us best.
You know what? My mom was crying and begging the principal to help me request for a retake. What he did? Nothing! He only said either I had to repeat Primary 6 again. This time it will be EM3 for me. Or drop out of the school immediently.
And he keep repeating to my mom that I burden his school so so much for the past years. If I'm wise, I'll leave. When I heard that I can't control myself. I went to find him without my mom. Begging him again and again. But he's mean. He's not changing his mind.
In a fit of anger, since he wanted his school to be so famous right? I rushed up to the 4th floor of the school building and wanted to jump down. That will make his school the most famous in SG. Everyone will know what had he done. He's really cold blooded. Didn't even bother about me. It was the vice principal and some HODs who persude me down.
I was shocked and disappointed. Don't wish to stay in this cold blooded school anymore. So I told my mom I'll go along with her choice and withdraw from school. My mom actually believed what the principal says about I'm a burden to the school and drag down their school's grades.
He still dares to told the vice principal that I requested to withdraw from school myself. Letting the vice principal feeling so upset and disappointed in me. And I got a scolding from her that I don't care about my future. I don't want it too! But do I have another choice?
Heard from my old classmates that he annoucenced to the whole school that I'm ashamed to stay in ZHPS anymore hence I decided to quit school. What's more worse was the neighbourhood schools received comments that I'll surely burden them down, so was advised not to take me in.
I asked myself if I still hate the principal now, I know the answer will be yes. He ruined my future. He's the most selfish person I've ever met. Giving this kind and innocent face when with the other students that will make him proud. And me? I've seen his worst ever.
You may not choose to believe it. It's the truth. So after this, I suffered alone. Facing those people wearing colourful specs to look at me everytime. I've got look down by people so many times. It hurts I tell you.
I've suffered from depression after the year I dropped out from school. Crying and crying everyday. No mood to eat anything, can't sleep etc. I choose to end this by bracing myself up. And now, I just need a rest again.
Let me fade away