Okay, it's another grandmother story telling time tonight. Been thinking of the past these few days. My mood is dull and down. Feeling quite depressed lately.
Fenni came over today and print her stuffs again. Envy that she could go to poly. I remember passing by Ngee Ann and BPGH last time. Wishing I'm able to study there. Maybe BPGH is my target, that's why I stress myself so much and try my best to aim for the marks I wanted. And that's a high 240++. I can never get so much. The most should be around 220++ only. I wanted to get into a good school, so I'd never be look down on again. I want to prove it. Prove to everyone I can do it. But I still didn't succeed in the end.
I know dad envy his brother, my uncle, that he had such a successful daughter. I only made my dad feel ashamed. The times I was being bullied in school left a scar on me. Those nightmares can't be washed away. Ask Junhao and you'd know how much I've suffer. By whom? By a Fu guy. What names I've been called by him etc. Regret asking the vice principal to let me go to D class. I rather landed myself in EM3.
Bump into Mdm Nirwani on the bus one day not long ago. She didn't even know that's me standing beside her. Try hard not to let her know who I am. I guess she must be feeling weird why there's a person that keep looking at her. On the 20 mins journey, I don't dare to tell her who I am. I just kept looking at her with tearful eyes. I feel ashamed to call her. Sorry mdm, I still failed, totally failed and ruined everything.
Remembered C class Mrs Irene Tan once told me. Girl, if you look down on yourself, on one is able to help you. You're not going to succeed this way. Tell me, what you want to be when you grow up? I was silly enough to tell her that I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to go to NUS and study law. At the age of 10 and I told her this. She gave me a stunned look and replied. Good thoughts dear, keep it up. I know you can do it. And suddenly I score high marks for my exams on that day. But now it's all useless, they are just childish talks. I know she's still teaching in the school. Still a maths HOD. Wanted to go and visit her, but I just don't dare to face her.
Wanted to meet Mdm Lim most. A teacher whom I deeply respect till now. She know my temper well and what I wanted since she teach me in primary 2. Although she was not my chinese teacher for many years, she still lend me her greatest support and encouragement as always. Waited till primary 6 she and she was my teacher again. You'd never know how glad I am. And I'm glad I never followed Junhao and the rest to C class. She's the best teacher I can have. She will let me go and eat even if it's not recess just because I told her I'm hungry. She will wait for me to ran back from the washroom then continue the test. She will pay for my food and ask the aunty to gave me more ingredients. I can get to share her food with her. I can even get to sit at the teachers side with her. And stayed in the teachers room to rest and chit chat with her while I'm waiting for my extra lessons. If only, I can meet Mdm Lim again, I just want to tell her that I'm sorry. I don't know if you'd forgive me, but I'd never forget what you've done for me. You will be my best teacher ever.
If only I can turn back time. I regret not to listen to my friends and rather listen to my parents and made up that regretful choice. I'm sorry, sorry to everyone.