I have this habit of giving in since young. As a form of respect perharps. No matter if it's a senior or junior I will give in. To a senior or someone older then me, it's a form of respect. To a junior or someone younger, it's a form of li rang. (giving in) So till now. I'm still this way. Everything rang rang rang. Everything give in. Correct give, wrong also give. Should give, shouldn't give also give. To friends I will let them have whatever they like. To family are the same too. To cousins, if they like something I own, I'll give. Without much consideration. But sometimes things are not meant to give. We shouldn't just give in so easily. Don't you agree?
I had lots of hidden past which I don't wish to bring it up. Some which you won't believe. After mia-ing for so many days, I decided it's time to come back alive. Joined ah fai's clan with permission from da jie. I seek her approval before doing anything. I don't like to do anything without asking anyone's consent. I can't make up my mind by myself. I need some push and pull. And perharps a kick then I will move. Joining this clan isn't my wish at first. Actually I don't wish to get involved in any clans. But as a form of respect to a friend. I decided this is a simple thing to do that can make someone happy.
My motto has always been like this. If others is happy, I don't mind being the one suffering or what. As long those around me are happy, that's what matters. Maybe joining the clan will cheer me up too. Maybe I won't be such a loner if I mixed around with more people. Some kids even asked me if I'm closer to F or D? How should I answer this question? Both are my good friends. I wonder why? The answer should be F bah. I know him longer and better? Guess so. I trust F rather more and understands him more then I understands D. Guys are weird.
Having lots of nightmares recently. Perharps I slept too early? Nightmares of school times. Terrible horrible nightmares. Does anyone even know I got molested in my kindergarden days? That's such a nightmare to think now. To think a kid of 5 can do something like that. Wth! And those teachers give a damn care to it. I had to bear with it. Praying he won't prey on me everyday. Sickening pest. Doesn't his parents teach him? Wth! I told myself it's just a nightmare and brush it off till now. But since that, I find most of the guys are bastard. Dirty minded jerks.
Guys are indeed the worst type of humans alive. They lied, they smoke, they gamble, they played a fool, they flirt with girls, more and more. Girls will always be the victim. I admit I do smoke and drink sometimes when I'm in a foul mood. My parents didn't care much about this. They allowed me to drink or smoke because they know I won't get addicted to it. Although they are strict, they don't care about all these because they know smoking and drinking won't ruined me. It won't be a crime if you know how to control yourself. They just don't like me to go clubbing. Why? The problem lies with guys again.
I guess nobody knows that I learned dancing for like 5 or 6 years in my younger times. 1, 2, 3, 4 turn. If you see how I dance, you will know I'm not a noob in this. I gave up because my health don't allow me to over exercise myself. The greatest mistake I made is listening too much to my parents till I ruined my own future. I'm learning not to trust too much on anyone. Trusting myself is the best. At least I won't get betray by anyone. Lying me out of the room and sign the school withdraw form seems such a childish act. But it's actually done by some adults. With me banging the door and begging outside the room is the end results. And it's by a principal somemore.
How I wish it's all just a dream. At least I won't get the word I hate you for 10 years by a close friend who will never forgive me. I ask myself. Is it too late to do anything now? What will it be if I just jumped down from the 4th floor of the school building last time? I'm just a few inchs from lapping my another feet over. But in the end, I got persuaded down. Maybe it will bring shame to the idiotic principal? I guess it will. But seems I will suffer more now in return.
I don't scold vuglar, I don't smoke, I don't drink, all these doesn't mean I don't know how to. I don't do all these doesn't mean I don't know how to right? To others I might seem the guai guai type of girls, but try me, I'm not someone for you to mess with. I do scold. And mind you, it's not a mouse scolding. Trust me, it will be a lion roaring. Ask those whom I scolded before. They got a shock too. They can't believe it. You never know. And you will never know me. Friends told me before I'm easy to understand. But believe me, I'm not. You will never know what I'm thinking about deep underneth me.