These few days I spent watching tv with my papa. He finds lu guang sen lin nice too. Trying to be very nice to him, was afraid he might blow his top on me any moment. Luckily he didn't. Actually my papa is very nice. We shared a $3 fried rice because he needs to save money. He let me ate more then half of the rice and he chomp biscuits himself. Was so upset when I saw this. Why are we suffering? Even had to save from makan.
Why can't I find a job for so long? He's retiring soon. He's already 57 and had to slog his guts out everyday under the hot sun. What are we going to do in a few years? Mama needs her medication. She's on long time medication and her life will be in danger if she didn't take it. Sometimes I'm very afraid we don't even have the money to pay for her hundred plus bucks medicine. Most of my close ones are rich. At least they don't have to worry about if they can afford eating some good food for their next meal. Why can't we just be richer a little? So that we don't have to save so tightly till my papa can't eat well.
Mama won't be back so soon. She's still in genting. Then later still need to stop at KL and malacca. So many days alone. I'm getting very used to being alone now. No one even cares about me now. Papa won't be at home later. Perharps I will ask kai ma out or go to her house to stay this weekend. At least there's twins to accompany me. Don't wanna care about online stuffs first. Pardon me. I really am very tired of the lonely feeling. I hate being alone. I'm too afraid of being alone. Very very afraid.
Say that I'm afraid of being alone. But I still like to be alone when I'm online. Just that I don't want to face an empty house. The feeling is terrible. Makes me think of the times when mama is in hospital and I'm alone everyday. Very very scary. I even forget how many times my mama goes for ''holidays'' at ttsh. Can say that she stays before every storey of ttsh. All 5-10. Only 11-13 a class she didn't holi there nia. Even holi in 3rd storey icu twice before. Do you know that icu smells dead? Horrible place it is.
I just can't seems to forget the past. There was once I woke up in shock and scream non stop. Mama rushes over and can't wake me up. I just sit on my bed screaming and crying non stop. Asking my dear teachers and friends to forgive me. Keep screaming sorry to junhao, irene, qiuhui etc. Mama was so heartbroken when she saw this. She really regret to sign the withdraw forms last time. I had to being clam and comfort down slowly. And I don't even know about all these till my mama told me the next day. It seems I'm stressing myself too much and suffering in slience till I break down. I appear fine to the others but deep down I'm not. I'm tied down by my past. And all these just happened not long ago. They all thought I had forget about my past when I actually didn't.
Maybe only looking at old save msn conv between me and darren cheers me up. We had really interesting conv. But I don't know for how long I didn't chat with him le. Maybe I'm avoiding him ba. Just don't want to be too close to him and let him yi lai me too much. He really must learn how to solve his prob and worries himself. I can't stay by him and help him everytime de right? Tell me, am I too selfish? Just think of myself and don't even bother about my buddy now. He jio me to a new online game but I didn't accompany him to play. Makes him feel so lonely. I'm a bad friend. I know he will cheer me up when I'm feeling down. But just don't wanna disturb him. A huge apologize to darren and all. Just let me disappear online for afew more days.