Weekend Blues

As I said. I'll remove the password thing. There, told ya. Cos too troublesome. My hp keep ringing cos friends wanted my blog's password. VERY troublesome. -_-

I'm so tired that I can fell asleep while standing. Didn't sleep much last night cos was too worried. Luckily the bad stuff never happened today. It will only be on Tuesday. As told by him. I never go today. Cos slept late and overslept. Zenn promised to go with me but she overslept too. Zzz.

A few more days for me to relax and get a job. Newstead's lobang no more. As hinted by Kor. Oh well. Shucks. I need to find another job lobang. No news from any interviewers yet. Asked lots of friends for help. But seems only Jeff, again had the lobang. Harvey Norman. Don't tell me I had to depend on him again for job recommendation. I don't want to owe him too much.

Went out with Zenn today. Discussed and bitched about him. LOL! I feel evil and bad for bitching about my own close one. Baddie me. But at least I know more about him this way. Wonder why a lot told me to leave. But I believed everyone who had done wrong should be given a chance no matter what. I hope he'll treasure the chance given.

Shopped and stayed quite long at my 2nd home IMM. Bought a whole set of black outfit from head to toe. Top = Black. Skirt = Black. Shoes = Black. Total up not more than 50 bucks. I feel smart for being able to save yet buy pretty stuffs. LOL!

Bought JJ's album too. It's so far his WORST album ever. No meaning. No anything and everything. Just nonsense and boring stuff. Only one song the killer is good. Nope, I don't recommend this album. Hopefully his next album will be a better one.

Went Funan after the IMM shopping's trip. I'm dressed in my whole new black outfit. Feels shiok. Went there to find Zenn's bf and Jeff. Supper together at MOS burger. I super BHB asked Jeff to treat. And he really treat. As usual, I keep smack and slap Jeff with my shopping bags. I feel good. Abusing my dear best friend. LOL. I'm evil. But that's fun. =P

A day past peacefully. I've decided to take a break for now. No more job huntings first. I'll like to rest a month or slightly more before I continue to chiong. Tired. Really am. So many things happened after I started work. It's bad. Very bad. But no regrets. Without work, I won't have know so many dear friends.

I find Friendster's horoscope very hit on the nail. Very zun. Eg today's.

You can't move forward if you are too busy looking around.
Choose one path.

True. Very true. But I don't know which path I should choose. Please direct me.

Sigh.

I'm feeling blue. Waiting for the day to be able to hug you again. I miss you. =(

The Day

Locked my blog due to I checked my blog patrol and found out lots of people I don't really like peeped at my blog. So I locked it. Simple? Maybe I'll unlock it later if I'm happy. LoL. Dumb password right? Really dumb. -_-

Wonder who are the lucky ones who can view today's post. My two meis and who else? Who can be so pro to guess my password? I'll give that person a kiss. Hahaha.

It's 3am. And I can't sleep. Friday had arrived. I've been scared of Fridays since last week. Because Fridays will be bad. Bad Fridays. And I hate bad Fridays. Will this week be the same too? Hopefully it won't be the worst Friday ever. Been having the 3 years and 6 canes dream every night. Dreamed that he had the worst sentence. Hopefully it's just a dream.

Hey, normally dreams are the opposite to reality right? True. It MUST be true. Why? Because RongFang says so. Hahaha.

Will be going with Zhen later. Zhen's his so call god sister. Meeting her 7.30am at JE's train platoform. LoL. Wth I typed platoform again. -_- PLATO! You dumbo! When you became form? Zzz.

It's a torture to wake up at such an early time. 6am, again. Don't intend to sleep. But skali I'll faint later if the worst happen due to not enough sleep leh? Then how? Better get some sleep then. A few couple of hours also better then nothing. Worried. But nah, I don't want to be a burden to Zhen. So I'm off to bed.

I'll face it with you. No matter what happens. Hopefully I can hug you tomorrow. =D

The Fear

What the. Time passes so fast uh? It's already near 2am. I thought I just woke up. Right. I'm back to my old self. Where time runs like a mad dog. Where time won't stop for me. Where I don't bother to look at the clock or watch. I love this kind of life. It would be good if you don't need money to live. But sadly, everyone need to earn a living. And I just got cut off my living means.

Slept at early morning. The feeling's shiok. 8am sleep. 6pm wake up. Dilly dally one hour and the sun sets again. I love night but wth is my life going backwards and opposite again? Nope, I actually can't get used to this kind of life again. I want my normal life back. Where I sleep early and wake early for work. God, bless me with a job asap can not? Can can can not? I'll die if this carries on.

Don't want to make my parents worry. Went out to window shop or either close my room door and online the whole day. Returned mummy the money she loaned me. I'm left with 0 bucks to last me till next month. 20 cents is what I've left. Hooray!

Can't go out anymore this month. Guess it goes the same for Friday. All I can do is wait for news. No matter if it's regarding jobs or him. Phone calls. Waiting and waiting. No ans from kor's side yet. I'm afraid I won't be accepted. I'm afraid nobody wants me anymore. Every side just want to get rid of me. Am I really that troublesome? Am I really such a jinx. I guess I am.

Went cousin's house. I'm glad she's always here to accompany me. And my dear sister. I knew they can't do much. I still have to depend on myself. I need to get a life and stand up by myself. I've fell. But that doesn't mean I'll be down forever right? I'll stay strong and recover. I have confidence that I can do it and I will.

Cousin cooked dinner for me. Nice macaroni she cooked. Heng never eat until I lao sai. LoL. It's really delicious nor. If only I can have half of her standard. Remembered the last time I promised to cook lunch for him. Ended up I cooked him instant noodles only. Hahaha. *Faint* -_-

When will the happy days be back? It's really a life crisis for me now. I don't want to face it alone. I'm afraid to do so.

Please don't leave me alone will you?

Back To My Old Life

I'm trying to make myself enjoy life these few days.

Can eat, eat.
Can drink, drink.
Can sleep, sleep.
Can enjoy, enjoy.
Can relax, relax.
Can poo, poo!

HAHAHA!

No lah. Currently I'm waiting for news regarding jobs. Hopefully good news from kor will arrive in the next few days. I'm still blood boiling. Yes I am. But can't do anything much can I? So just try to forget it then. And carry on with my life. As if without my previous job I will die like that.

A lot told me troubles and problems came after I worked. Maybe it's really not a suitable job for me. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't work anymore leh? =D

Planned to go out with C today. But don't know why I'm lazy at the last minute. And went to sleep. Got woken up by his call. He called from court. Asked me to bail him out, again. He weeped over the phone. Pleading with me. But nope, I'm not going to be soft hearted anymore. His parents had already hack care about him. What I can do now is just give him another chance and wait for him to wake up. I'll wait. It's a promise.

Sorry, I really can't do anything.
Without your passport.

Don't tell me I have to tell the cops that I don't have your passport and then wait for them to tell me, "Then why did you still come?"

-_-'''

I'll just wait for Friday to come. Quietly. I promise you I'll be good.

Jobless

As the title explains it. I'm jobless. It comes so sudden. I still can't accept the fact. Vincent asked me to rest more. Want go back to work then inform him. I informed him last week. He asked me to rest more. Today went back to office. He said he don't need any more full timers. Hence I'm transfered to part time. To another in charge Jason some more.

Part timers means?
Got work then please come.
No work then please siam.

One whole month you can work 12 days at most, including Friday. $50 per day. If lucky then you'll be able to work the full weekend shift at $600 per month. If not one whole month also will never get call back. Then like that don't mean jobless means what then? I need a full time job. Trying to find one now. I'm damn pissed with my EX in charge. Asked me to rest more first. Now tell me he doesn't need full timers. Then why IMM got another promoter of his over there already?

Been keeping myself busy at IMM for the whole of today. Trying to get myself a job at the 2nd floor. TS, Ogawa, Challenger, Home Fix, HP shop and Newstead. I've tried filling up all the interview forms. Hopefully I can get hired by one of them. Newstead's the best. Julian's helping me. Hopefully all the misunderstanding are cleared. I'm already okay with all IMM's staffs now.

Felt bad towards Jeff. Asked him to come accompany me. Yet I gave him such fucking attitude. I'm a bad friend. Yes, I know I am. You don't have to tell me. Sorry my dear best friend. I'm in the wrong. Forgive me please.

So many things happened. I can't cope. And he's not beside me now. I felt so lost. Luckily there's my good friends whom are always here for me. Thanks my dear friends. And thanks my dear IMM ex colleagues. You guys are great. Been a great help to me.

I need him now. How I wish he's just right beside me now.

Blessed And Loved

Been enjoying great days for the past few days. Friday was bad. Don't want to spend the day alone. So followed Mei and Francis out. I'm glad they accompany me till late night. Then Fai still accompany me till early morning.

Saturday went over to sister's house and toned the whole day there. Relaxing myself. Trying to keep my mind clear. Ate a lot. Asked Jeff out for dinner. And cabbed home after that. Although my pocket's almost empty. I feel good. Cos of care from friends. I received lots of care and concern shown by them.

Today's a great day too. Went out with some one whom I won't have thought that I'll go out with. Feel like I'm dreaming. But it's real. The person's really nice. Thanks C. You've been a great friend always. For accompanying me today for the whole day. Spending so much money on cab for me. Brought me to East Coast and Changi Airport. I love spending a day at beach and watch planes when I'm feeling down.

Tomorrow will be going back to office. Then I'll meet Jeff. Haven't plan where to go. I just want to enjoy myself throughly these few days before I start work. Hope I'll be able to stay in IMM. My models all arrived. Wasted if I'm not there. So many things to sell. I fight for it. Now the stocks arrived you want to push me away? No way! I'm staying put. Hope Vincent will respect my decision.

Low's back. Plan to ask him out some day if I'm able to contact him. To find out how he's doing. And to pour out my problems to him. He's always there to lend me his listening ears. And he's already showing his concern for me this old friend on Friendster.

I feel blessed and loved from my friends. You guys rocks!

I miss him.

Feeling Better

Went out everyday. No point staying at home. Will only bring trouble. Please respect my choice. I won't regret and I'll know how to handle it. That's the only thing I want to say.

Out with buddy yesterday night. Today's well spent with sister and Jeff. Went sister's house and ton whole day there. Napping and resting, eating and chatting. Sister and buddy have different ways to cheer me up. And I did get cheered up by them.

Met Jeff up for dinner with sister. Weird I will say. Jeff seems to try to keep impressing me and seek my attention. Maybe he feel neglected. Cos I'm more on a close terms with sister rather than him. I promised him a dinner. Called him out yet dump him aside. I feel bad towards him.

Thanks guys for accompanying me these few days. I felt better already.

I noticed almost all things and people around me changed. Have my surrounding and myself changed too? I suppose it has. No wonder I can't adapt to it. I missed the old times. Time for a change. Time to change myself too. And it's time to sleep also. LoL.

The Bad

The nightmare starts. All has ended. Not what I've expected. He's in. Bail is a no no. 10 thousand bucks. Where can I get it for him? His mum hack care. What can I do? His asthma acts up. He's in hospital. I'm asked to accompany him. But I can't do that. I'm afraid that I can't control myself.

Today's a bad Friday. Accompany him to court and all these happened. Not the outcome I imagine it to be. I'm afraid the sentence will not be light cos of his past. Max 3 years and 6 canes. I don't know. I'm really afraid that the worst may happen. After my discharge from hospital. All the bad luck arrived. When can all these end?

Didn't sleep well for lots of days already. Can't help worrying. Don't want to stay at home. Just want to drive myself crazy and tired myself out. Asked Fai out just now. Just for a talk. I know he can be trusted. Cos he won't ask me too much about all these. Shared a crig. We had a ride in his car. To his camp and went to takeaway supper. Then I'm sent home by him. But actually, I only wish to go for a drink. My heart is suffocating. Yet I still don't understand why guys can be jealous of guys over all these.

Meeting sister tomorrow. Don't plan to stay at home. Staying at home only lets me think more. Vincent asked me on Monday for a meet. After these guess it's time to start work. How I wish there's some more time for me to go Malaysia. Or be able to start work immediately. So that I don't have time to think about it.

Went out with mei and baobei and return ger's cash. Really kind lots of problems created out by him. My pocket is dying on me. Yet hospital's bill arrived. Just wtf is all these happening to me suddenly? I can't stand it anymore. I really need a rest. No depression for me again. I've promised him and can do it.

So, it's time to sleep. Eyes going to die on me soon.

The Nightmare

It's going to be a long post tonight. Maybe the last post of my blog. I don't know. Neither do I want to know. If the worst happen. MIA is what I'm going to do then. Totally no mood.

Counting down. 1 more day to the sentence of the court case. Am afraid to know the result. Still thinking if I should go with him on that day. I'm afraid I can't control myself if the worst happen.

Maybe weeks, maybe months, or the worst, years. But I can wait. I'm willing to wait. I knew it myself who treat me good. You treat me well, I'll treat you well too. Well, if I still can have the chance to prove it.

Not working these few days. Vincent never called. That's good too. This way I can spend more time with him together. If not I really don't know if there's any more chance to do so. Went out early everyday. Came back home late everyday. Trying to spend all my time with him.

Went to a lot of places these few days. We just want to escape. Tried to cheer him up. But the feeling of hiding sadness and smiling out pains both of us. Qiang yan huan xiao is not easy. You can lie to others that we've already fuck care about it. We just want to enjoy everyday. But can't lie to heaven. Worry will still be worry. Tell me, who won't?

Tomorrow will be last day. Hope to spend it well. No electric tomorrow due to lift upgrading. Not going to stay home for the whole day. I just want a day well spend with him.

I really don't know if I should believe in gods. But this is the only thing I can try now. Praying and keeping my fingers crossed. Waiting for Friday to arrive. Mom's birthday on that day too. I don't know if I'm going to cry or laugh on that day. Don't dare to even think about it.

Still thinking if I should accompanying him on Friday. Afraid that I can't control myself. But he really need some support for now. It's a must I guess. Friday. I HATE THAT FUCKING DAY TO ARRIVE!

Accompany him to his shi fu's place yesterday night. He told me everything. The truth that I want to know. Heavy rain. But stopped after he know he's in the wrong and admit it. His shi fu said all is going to be fine if he knows his mistake. Hope so.

Not enough sleep these few nights. Huge panda eyes already. Tell me? How can I sleep when this kind of thing happened? So many problems to trouble over and bother. I don't know how long more can I hang on. If he's alright. I'm going to be fine also.

Why must heaven play this silly joke? It's not funny. I do hope it's only just a joke and will end soon.

This is a nightmare... Let me wake up from it...

My Problems

Blows after blows. I can't stand it anymore. Why must heaven torture me and us?

My problem, his problem, work problem.

Went with him today. Everything is still not that bad. The sentence won't be that bad as we firstly think it is. Hopefully all turns out well on Friday. Which is the sentence day. Still keeping my fingers crossed. All that I can help. I've done them. Will that help him? I don't know. And am afraid to know.

My stupid problem. Which is I don't know what problem. I'm vexed. But don't know vexed over what. I only know that I'm very fan. Fan over what? Don't know. Don't want to know also. I'm confused. I'm blur. I'm going crazy.

Work problem too. Vincent wants to transfer me away elsewhere. My nightmare. I can't bear to leave IMM. Yet nothing turns out well ever I started working in IMM. Maybe a new change of surrounding will do me good. Maybe I'll get more sales and hence more commission too. But what I hope is back to the office to work. No more sales job. Hopefully my wish can come true.

I only know that June is a terribly bad month. And 2007 is an awfully bad year. Bad luck. Be gone.

What A Torture

Can't believe that I missed working. Been a week plus. Rested enough. But was asked to rest more by my BEST in charge. Mr Vincent. So yeah, like that then. Listen to him. Think I'm resting for a couple of days more before I go back. Need to settle some matters in the meantime too. Should be back to work by this week.

Been a great day today. Went out with him. Movie, lunch, dinner, shopping. Met up with my kai ma and twin cousins too. It's a well planned day. Such a long time since I last enjoyed myself. Wonder if there's any more chance. Treasured today very much. Afraid that the worst might happen. Then it's the end then.

Hopefully not. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Hoping for the best.

Tomorrow will be another tough day. Hope all goes well. That's the only thing I wished for. Please, god. Don't joke with us anymore. It isn't funny. It's scary. I can't take another more blow. My depression will get worse if this carries on.

Meanwhile, I'm praying hard. Please. Let everything be back to normal. I missed the good old peaceful days.

Crisis

I'll walk through this with you.

Promise I won't leave you facing this alone.

You promise me that you'll be fine.

Any problem, we'll face it together.

You asked me why have I changed.

Perhaps, I've learned to let go and put my view far.

I know what's good for me.

Hope the change does us good.

兵来将挡。水来土淹。

我不相信我们不能抵抗过命运。

Dum Dum

I'm a foolish person after all.

Foolish + Stubborn + Soft Hearted.

= A Dum Dum.

This dum dum don't need gum gum.

Only need drum drum's sticks to smack own self awake.

But say really. I don't know what I'm thinking sometimes too.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..

I don't know?

The Stay

Hospital sucks. I swear I'm forever not stepping into a hospital again for 'stay'.

That few days were nightmare. Imagine on the verge of death. Couldn't remember what happened clearly. All I knew was I don't know how I landed into Tan Tock Seng. Then fell into a deep sleep. Then some kind of weird matters happened. Till I'm becoming so not myself. And I've not fully recovered yet. Still in blur and daze mood these few days.

Couldn't sleep well at night. Fright trembles me. I'm glad he's always here for me. Staying beside me when I'm in hospital from morning till night. Taking care and don't mind the things I'm going and facing through. He's nice. Really. And I mean it. Thanks. =)

Still trying to get my health and stable mood back. Oh yah. The reason in my hospital report as for why I'm needed to stay in hospital. "Stress reaction".

Very interesting. It must be it. If not what?

I'm on medication to control my mood now. Going to visit a physiologist next month. Hope that will make me feel better. Next week. Work starts. Vincent. Thanks so much for the visit you paid me when I'm in hospital. And the care you gave. You're truly a wonderful boss.

Things need to get better and not worser now. It's already considered the worst matter I'm facing ever.

No Explaination

Back. Home sweet home at last.

Don't ask me why. Things happened too much recently till I can't explain.

I'm confused and blur. Will be on MIA leave I suppose.

Hope things past by peacefully and return me back my old jolly good times.

Bless that things went by smoothly for him, me and my family.

Tata.

Don't Know

I read my old blog's archives. Those were memories. Everyday was a happy day. Esp in the month of Sep to Dec. Those aren't fake. Those matters do exist before, right? But now? Those things are just nightmares that kept haunting me. Those memories aren't sweet at all.

However, I have no regrets. Perhaps...

Not every fairytale has a happy ending.

Old times were great. Esp with the gangs and my so call, "family". My site's gang. I'm missing them all. The outing we'll always have in the holidays. The fun and laughters we'll always have when we go out together. The excitement of meeting and knowing new people at the outing. Now? I've drifted from every single one of them. Don't even know who's new in and who's out. Don't know what's happening around them and my site anymore.

And my "family". My mei, ger, baobei and bear they all. I'm missing the conference session we have every night. The teasing and suaning. The comforting they gave me when I'm feeling down. The meet up sessions with them all in holidays. The ton-ing session till early morning we have almost every single day. That makes me, mei and baobei turned into panda. Now? MIA de MIA. While some others have their new own group of people to hang out.

Last time people will say I'm childish to hang around with a group of people so much younger than me. But at least I'm happy. Because I know I can trust them. Hence pouring out my feelings and thoughts to them. And I'm comfortable chatting with them. I don't feel old. Instead they made me feel young.

Every day is an interesting day when I'm not working.

Missed the chats on Skype with bunny and sister too. Now I've already drifted with bunny like millions kilometers. Although I'm still close with sister. But some how the feeling is not the same anymore. And Darren also. Missed the chats with him. I don't care how others think of him. I only know he's nice to me. I'll be nice to him too. Other matters about him? I hack care. Now? I don't dare to approach him. Sharing thoughts with him seems strange now.

I don't know what I'm suppose to feel and think now. Can only live plainly day by day. Work work work. Eat eat eat. Sleep sleep sleep. And the him who appeared. And the him who disappeared. I don't know what's going into me. I guess I've really changed too much till I don't even know myself.

Need to find back the real me. The feeling is super scary now. Don't know what I'm doing. Don't know what I'm thinking. Don't even know what I'm feeling. I've became numb. A lifeless person.

Where's the old me? The old me, myself and I? Lost forever? Hopefully not.

Forgetting Gains Happiness

The reason for being MIA is because I don't feel like online and blogging. Just as simple as that. And well, maybe also mainly because I don't have the time to do so. I wish to. But I can't. Because I'm just like a person without a soul. I need time to find back my real self.

Well, I admit I'm facing a BIG tripping stone in my life path recently. Hence the change.

Reached home at midnight. Went to work at early morning. Don't even have enough time to sleep. 4-6 hours of sleep is what I get everyday. Ended up I became a panda. If only there's 30 hours everyday. I could have get more of my beauty sleep and some time to online rather than just lay flat on my bed once I reached home.

Just taken my medicine. No kick. Not drowsy. Maybe I'm not addicted to it. Instead I've got used to it. Ended up the medicine mean nothing to me. Doctor said it's for depression. He went to find out for me it's for mental patients to control their mood swings. I don't know. I only know at least with this medicine, I can depend on it to forget those unhappy stuffs.

Went to a lot of places today. I love Mondays. But once Monday is over. I don't feel like going back to work. I'm lazy to wake up. I'm lazy to stand for 10 plus hours at the counter. I'm lazy to do anything. Just wish to die on my bed immediately. But off day as usual = no off.

Went back office to collect pay. Went to my doctor. Bank also. This and that. I'm glad I had a nice dinner today. Something I deserve after working for so long. I believe in pampering and rewarding myself once in a while. Although it's just a simple 10 plus bucks dinner. I'm still enjoying it much. I hate the 2.50 bucks mixed veg rice at my work place already. LoL.

I missed my bed. I missed Zhou Gong. I missed him? Maybe?

*I hate the feeling of memories still being there.
*This is a never ending nightmare. It sux.

I Wonder How

Just ignore my previous post. It's just a fucked up post. I admit there's a lot of changes and bad happenings around me recently that I need to overcome. Fear threatens me. Am glad there's a company to walk this over with me. But seriously sad to say he still can't help me too much. I'm still surround by fear and tears. I still have not step out of the nightmare.

Well, imagine. If you've been stabbed in the heart till it bleed, then your heart got sliced off bits by bits, lastly it got dig out. Do you think you can stand it? I can't. That's why. I just can't swallow down this anger and unbearable that my pride is gone. Hence cause the depression I'm facing now.

Thankfully there's lots who cared for me. I'm blessed to have you people around me. I missed the old times. The gathering and such. How much I regret working. Things just changed uncontrollably. But due to work, I'm fortune to have know Vin. Vin, I owe you lots and lots. You're truly a great person. I'll prove myself worth. Won't disappoint you time again and again.

Brace and buck up. That's what I need to do now. What done is done. What over is over. What I can do is just to forget it. But I simply can't. I've lost and am lost. What can I do now? Furthermore things just don't seem to end. It's endless. This is an endless path that I've chosen. And it's torturing me. How much I regret.

I need to wake up.. Now..